Rewind to Mother's Day 2013

I meant to post on Mother's Day but I got so caught up in having a fabulous day that I forgot.  But the good times are as important to note, if not more so, than the not-so-good times.  My day started with my son picking me up for brunch, which he'd planned at Anthony's on Commencement Bay.  He was late picking me up so by the time I heard his car pull up I'd already had two bowls of Cheerios, and was grumbling about how some people don't value time and how the day was already starting in the toilet.  However, when I heard the knock at the door my attitude did an about face.  I figured he'd probably put a lot of thought into making the day perfect so I decided to shove my negativity into a hole and put some effort into enjoying myself instead.  And you know what?  I had the best day ever.  We were seated at a table that gave me a clear view of the water, which always calms me and I ordered the Belgium Waffle with warm blueberry compote.  It was so delicious I didn't want it to end.  Then my son and I chatted -- he filled me in on what was going on in his life and I did the same.  We sat at the table and talked for about an hour or so after completing our meal.  It was really nice spending time with my oldest child.

When I thought the day couldn't get any better, Michael called me and I enjoyed chatting and laughing with him.  I went to sleep that night with a big dorky smile on my face.  It had truly been the best day I'd had in a very long time.  My children and granddaughter are the best part of my world and I thank God every day for allowing me to be momma to Tony and Michael, and Noni to my Diamond and last but definitely not least, the mother-in-law to my son's wife, a really good lady.  I am so proud of them!

My crew above - my oldest son, Tony, on my right, my darling Michael on my left, next to him my beautiful daughter-in-law and my Diamond in the front.  How lucky am I?




"Sons are the anchors of a mother's life."
~Sophocles

Exercising Sucks!

I can not lie, I hate exercising.  I really do.  Always have.

Friday was a good day for a few laps around Wapato Park, the sun was low and my energy was high.  So I did a few stretching exercises, just enough so the other walkers would think I actually knew what I was doing, put on my ear phones, the kind with the huge bumpers covering my entire ear lobes and turned on my I-Pod to some Michael Jackson.  

As I turned the first corner I felt good, pumping my arms at my side to burn off more energy and keeping at a fairly quick pace.  It was about the third go ‘round when the sweat started pouring down my forehead and I felt energized about doing something good for my body.  I was working it.  Then….

Two young ladies in back of me, pushing a baby in a stroller, started to get the lead on me.  Now to my old eyes, they looked like they were moving in slow motion compared to my quick step.  Um…no.  They sped past without any effort AND they were chattering loud non stop – without any heavy breathing or panting that should have been caused by their pace.  Here's what I heard with earphone on mind you:

Lady pushing the baby stroller: “So anyway, I told him if he does it again he’s out on his ass.”

Walking partner wearing jeans, t-shirt and snappy boots with about a 3-4 inch heel.  “Girl, no you didn’t.  What did he say?”

Lady with baby: “Oh yes I did.  And he had the nerve to say he didn’t do nothing, that it wasn’t him…”

Snappy boot-wearing dresser:  “Ooooh Girrrrl! You know…”

But I didn’t hear what came after the ‘you know’.  My ears were starting to buzz as I put more effort into breathing and walking at the same time.  I tried to pass the ladies and the baby in the stroller as they all moved forward but it was taking everything I had and then some to catch up with them.  No kidding. Prior to running into them I actually thought I was having a good work out.  Geez.  Putting them out of my mind completely, I tried hard to just focus on what I was doing.   I turned my music up several notches and let Michael Jackson’s lyrics pump me up.

Gotta hide your inhibitions
Gotta let that fool loose deep inside your soul
Want to see an exhibition
Better do it now before you get to old
'Cause we're the party people night and day
Livin' crazy that's the only way…

I was just starting to get the groove and feel like I was something mighty when this old lady (older than me anyway) -- with a cane I might add, and what I assume to be her hubby passed by me.  She gave me that nice little old lady assuring smile and said, “Keep it up honey, you’re doing just fine.” Right.

I decided to call it quits and at the next ‘round about headed straight to my car.  I had to tell this story though before I headed out today.  And yeah – I’m going to Wapato Park.  I’m turning my music up really loud, hittin’ the path hard for, hopefully, six laps, without focusing on anything except my goal.  Wish me luck!

 P.S. I'm over dramatizing a bit about the old lady.  She didn't pass me up but she probably would have if I'd stuck around.  :)

“Think you won’t make a difference with one run? You won’t make any difference doing nothing.”

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Welcome To My Life

I was born Angeline Inez Beck on June 23^rd – you don’t need to know the year, in Abilene, Texas where the sun is unforgiving on most days, and the bugs are always hungry.  Mom and Dad seemed to  have been stationary in one place long enough to have at least two children before moving on, and there are eight of us kids. We were a military family.  My bro Kenny was born in Abilene a year after me.  I am an American of African descent – although my mom had a bit of Irish mixed in as well.  I am usually a good-natured person except for the times when I’m not.  I do have to admit to being a pessimist at birth and dabbling in optimism like a hobby of sorts.  I am not the warm fuzzy type although I will do anything for those in my world.  I will accept a hug but I have to be honest, they make me feel a bit uncomfortable.  Not sure why, it just is. I don’t particularly care for the use of endearments aimed at me unless they come from the lips of people I’ve called mom and dad.  The types of endearments that make me want to slap something include the following:  honey, love, darlin’, sweetie, dearie, baby doll -- the latter of which is completely off limits as mom called me that from time to time as a child.  I will accept being referred to as love as long as it is spoken with an English accent.  I will accept being referred to as darlin’ if we are dating and you pay for everything, otherwise don’t do it.  Some of the above are acceptable for a waiver depending on the degree of friendship and/or whether the endearment user is age appropriate which typically means 80-plus years of age.  All in all, I still cringe inside when I’m called anything other than my name, but I no longer get the urge to throw up.

I was the president of my sophomore class and varsity cheerleader in my junior and senior year in high school. My adulthood has been spent in corporate America where I've worked my butt off. That’s all that is needed for that phase of life. My favorite pie is cherry with or without ice cream.  My favorite cake is German Chocolate – it was my dear Kenny’s favorite as well.  My favorite color is red. I’m passionate about writing, although sadly it is a passion I have not indulged.  I am an avid reader of romance books with a bite, meaning a romantic-murder-mystery-somewhat humorous-paranormal-intrigue kind of storyline.  I must have it top heavy with respect to the romance angle.  I was married, divorced, and married and divorced again, and had two really handsome boys from the first go-around.  That’s all that needs to be said about that.

Let's see, an embarrassing moment would include meeting an underwriter for the first time as an insurance assistant on a new job, and as we were walking out of a restaurant I stepped over a vent in full force, and the full skirt I was wearing popped up like one of those huge golf umbrellas. I bent forward to protect my front, and could feel my skirt fluttering against the back of my head, in what probably looked like a really absurd Marilyn Monroe imitation.  Unfortunately for me, that morning I'd decided to wear my granny panties on the outside of my much-too-small pantyhose in order to keep the hose from shifting down. Yeah.

T. M. I.?  Probably.

I have cancer now but it is not who I am, it is what I am going through.  It takes hold sometimes though and when that happens and I look in the mirror at my spotty bald head, and my liquid eyes, and my ravaged fingernails – sometimes it’s all I see.  So I got up this morning and decided I needed to remind myself of who I am so the cancer doesn’t get the credit for becoming all that I am. 

So there you have it. 

Have a great day! 

Another Chemo Monday on Tuesday

I'm doing great!  Had my chemo drip on Tuesday since Monday was a holiday.  Dr. Picozzi said blood work was fine, which means I'm still handling the chemo dose very well, and I've been scheduled for my last Kat-scan on June 24th.  I will be meeting with my surgeon on the same day.  I only have two more infusions in June then looking at surgery mid-July.  I'm a happy camper.

Well I hope everybody out there has a fantastic day, and I'm praying along with you that summer will show up soon with bells on toes.  Ciao!

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Angie in the Valley of the Dolls

I was eleven when I had my first bout with breast cancer.  I just knew I had it after flipping through the pages of a book I’d found between the mattress of my sister’s bed.  The eleven-year-old me was always finding interesting little objects between my then seventeen-year-old sister’s mattresses.  Perhaps we’ll go into that a bit further in another post.  LOL. My breasts, which at the time were just beginning to graduate past the pimple stage, started immediately causing me pain me as I became caught up in the pages of this bootlegged novel. I had all the symptoms the character had in the book.  I even felt a lump of sorts one time, and then with the chest pains going on...  What was I to think?  Sometimes, I’d hold my hands tight against my tee-shirt with the picture of the Jackson 5 blazoned on the front, and weep in utter despair.  They ached through the character’s drama in the book from finding out she had cancer to ultimately ending her life with an overdose of pills.  I wasn’t suicidal, but I was a very melodramatic kid at the time.  I was empathizing hard with this book's character, and seeing myself as one of the broken dolls in the valley.  Pretty melodramatic.  See any of that in me today?  Just wondering.

The book in question was Valley of the Dolls and it took place in 1966-67 I believe; the character was Jennifer North, a model/actress who literally felt her body and looks were her only assets.  You see, although I've long since understood that the reference to "dolls" in the book were the pills all the characters were popping like M&M's, in my eleven-year-old mind, I saw the female characters as broken dolls because of all their issues.  Pretty deep for a kid huh?  As a side note, thank you Angelina Jolie for showing the world that body and looks and femininity are not compromised after a mastectomy, and that one’s true assets are the intelligence demonstrated in order to make the smart decision to have a mastectomy, or to take other preventive measures for certain cancers.  Times and the thinking about cancer have changed considerably since the 60's and that's a really good thing for sure.

Anyway, back to me.  So here I am at eleven thinking I have this breast disease and not wanting to cause my parents any heartbreak by revealing my terrible news.  I carried this burden alone over the next two years even to the berry picking fields where I’d worked during the summer to save money for clothes.  I’d sometimes feel a pang in the problem area when I’d bend down to scoop up strawberries and would hold a fisted hand against my chest, while picking berries with the other. I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing my breasts like Jennifer in the Valley of the Dolls.  Shoot I’d just got them.  It was like opening up Christmas presents from Santa; receiving what I’d always wanted, and now he’s asking for them back.  Not fair. As I got older and swept up in teen-age-gals drama/trauma – you know boys and all, I kind of forgot about my dilemma.  And then I was diagnosed for real.

Now here I am, a middle aged adult me dealing with the real deal, and the only thing I’m thinking of is my relief that they will soon remove the poison from my body, and if that means removing my breasts so that I can survive, then so be it.  My breasteses (my made up word), do not make up the entirety of who I am.  I must remember that always.  I just want to be healthy again so that I can continue with my life, and the business of making new moments with my family and friends. Can I get an Amen?!


Oh, to hell with them! Let 'em droop!
Jennifer North - Valley of the Dolls


"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope.  We have two options medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell.

-Lance Armstrong
 

Chemo Monday

First let me start off by chastising myself for not updating this thing more often.  I'm ridiculous, and lazy. Okay, got that out of the way.

I started off Monday with a CT Scan to get an idea of whether the chemo was doing it's thing.  And you know what...?  It's kicking butt, yes it is!  My doctor was very pleased.  My blood work is excellent and he had no complaints.   After my Chemo next Monday, I only have two more infusions in June and then I will be meeting with my surgeon, Dr. Roca, late June in preparation for the big surgery.  Oh yea! 

There are so many people I owe, literally my life, and my sanity, and my heart to because without them I would have less heart, be without courage and without enough faith to get through dark days.  These folks helped to strengthen all of these things in me by standing by and holding me up.  Seriously, I have not had one chemo infusion where I was entirely alone. From the close knit group of family and colleagues/friends whom I've worked with for so many years...you've all carried me through this ordeal and I am sooooo very grateful for the love and support.  

All I can say is THANK YOU for the cards, and the words of encouragement, the rides to and from my chemo sessions, the homemade goodies, and loving me as I was and as I am now.  My soul thanks all of you!


“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia    

Short & Sweet

Okay, so here's me keeping my update short and sweet.

My chemo drip went well this past Monday.  Side effects are at a minimum, which means I'm doing pretty darn good.  My finger nails are the only things getting on my nerves right now because they can't decide whether to just fall off and let it be.  They are super tender and starting to bleed again.  Annoying! However, as that is my only peeve right now I consider myself very fortunate.  Dr. Picozzi has scheduled me for a scan on May 20th which will give them an idea of whether the treatment is shrinking the tumor. In June, I'll have my last scan and a meeting with the surgeon to see if we can proceed.  Yippy -- hopefully close to the end of this treatment! According to the doctor, if we can't proceed consideration will have to given to some kind of radiation therapy in order to attack the tumor from a different perspective and hopefully render it completely helpless.  This option is available only if the cancer has not spread.  So...please say your prayers that we can just proceed with the surgery in July as scheduled.  I'd really like to move on to the next step.

For today, I'm off to my workout and since the sun is non existent I think I will walk at Wapato park today.  I've learned that one of the chemo drugs I'm on makes me hypersensitive to the sun so I've been avoiding the park last few days and going to the gym instead.  I'm looking forward to enjoying a walk around the lake.


Today is a great day for positivity! I like that word.


Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.  ~Author Unknown