"IF YOU WEAR OUT YOUR BODY WHERE WILL YOU LIVE?"

I pretty much know where I will or want to live when I wear out this body, I'm just not ready to go yet. So I guess I need to take better care of this old body of mine.

I couldn't help stopping and taking a picture of this sign though.  It's more than a message on a board.  It's literally shouting out the necessity and the urgency for all of us to put ourselves first!

And this is actually the title of a book by author Barb Schwarz.  The book deals with "...a renewal of the body, mind and soul through nutritional choices and a plan for empowering personal potential." A short little read worth checking out.





“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” – Siddartha Guatama Buddha

Mama Said There'll Be Days...

In case you haven’t already figured it out from my previous post my mood is in need of a serious overhaul.  For the last few days I’ve been in the dumps. Getting out of the bed in the morning takes extreme effort some days, and to be honest, there are days I don't even try.  It’s like that sometimes you know?  This cancer journey is emotionally a roller coaster ride that has to be taken all the way through to the end, and it’s a bumpy ride.  I’ve been worried because I found what felt like a lump in the puffy skin right under my right breast, same breast with the cancerous tumor, and I’ve been seriously hoping and praying it’s scar tissue from the surgery in July.  And I've been worrying about the additional chemo and radiation therapy needed.  Well, yesterday I had a CT-Scan and chest x-ray which was previously scheduled in preparation for my last line of therapy for the pancreas, called the Virginia Mason Protocol, which consists of me wearing a fanny pack with tubes attached to my port that injects a drug called 5-FU (a.k.a. Fluorouracil) automatically every hour, and radiation therapy 5 days a week with chemo on Wednesdays combined with hydration – an all day process.  The intent is to hit me hard for 5-6 weeks straight or until I drop, whichever comes first.  The objective: destroy any cancer cells that may be hiding without killing me in the process. Okay, I'm officially rambling now and need to back up.

So my sister Lisa and I are sitting in Dr. Picozzi’s office – and I’m so glad she’s with me by the way -- while he looks over my recent CT and x-ray and I’m nervous as hell because I’m anticipating him telling me the cancer has spread to the area beneath my breast.  He looks at me, his expression a little bit more serious than I’ve seen it, and my heart speeds up a few beats.  “Well,” he asks, “how have you been feeling since the surgery, better or worse than before?” I take in a deep breath of air and respond.  “I feel better than I did before.”  Still giving a whole lot of attention to what he’s viewing on the computer screen he says,  “Good.”  Okay, okay, okay, so I'm wondering what is going to come out of his mouth that will turn me inside out?  I didn’t have long to wait.  “So,” he starts again, “everything looks good except for something strange that showed up on the CT-Scan.” Something strange?  I’m holding my breath.  “Several spots have shown up in your liver and uh…they don’t look like cancer, however after showing them to Dr. Roca as well, we’re not sure what they are.  A biopsy should tell us if it's cancer.”  Wait.  What?  I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.  Fear will do that to you, completely rob you of the ability to speak or think.  Funny, now the Virginia Mason protocol seems like a trip to the beach.
  

I tell him about my lump discovery and he examines me but doesn’t find anything concerning.  I should be happy about that but my feelings are in a tail spin because of the spots on the liver news.  Dr. Picozzi completes his examination, I sit up, and he gives me a hug which I'm sure is to comfort his patient whom he assumes (correctly) is quaking on the inside.  He’s such a rarity, an amazing doctor who still works with his heart first and combines that with a whole lot of skill and conviction. He tells me the nurse will call to schedule a biopsy.  I say ok.  But my stomach is sick when I walk out of his office, down the hall, into the elevator and to the street.  My sister is talking about something, buying a purse maybe, but all I want to do is get on the bus and head home, to my room and the comfort of my bed.  Lisa, never a blow-smoke-up-the-bum type of gal, doesn't even try to placate me by telling me everything will be okay because she knows me better than that.  I don't want to hear that this is going to be ok, because I know cancer can take on a life of its own when it does its thing, and sometimes it is not okay. Being positive is very important, darn near medicinal -- I truly believe that, but you can be positive while still being realistic about the possibilities.  I will wait for the results of the biopsy to see what's what.

In the meantime, I will lean heavily on faith, and pray, a lot. 

I will pray for my roomy and dear sister, that she is revitalized with good health, my best friend, Mary, for healing of M.S.,  for Shannon, who is going through so much and I pray that her cancer goes away and stays away.  I pray for Terrence, for a strong and healthy heart, and for Rip, that they find out what is making him ill so that he can be successfully treated and free of pain.  I pray for Lonella that she is free of pain with improved health, and Andrella, that she does what is needed for herself to maintain good health.  I pray for Josh's mom and dad, that they will find peace and healing from the pain of their terrible loss.  I pray for my friend Jennifer's Aunt Margaret, that her cancer goes into remission and stays in remission. I pray for Bobbe, Orpha and Kris, that they continue to be healthy and cancer free. I pray for continued good health and happiness for all of my friends, family and colleagues, and complete wellness for anyone out in the world suffering from a debilitating illness.  Amen.

Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.

Voltaire

 

 

 

 

Yesterday's Life

I wish I had yesterday’s life,

to wake up to trivial frustrations like sibling rivalry, job snobs and tribulations, cussing at insane drivers and all kinds of this and that --  in hindsight, all of which now seem so easily repaired, without cancer looking over my shoulders and consuming my every thought.

I wish I had yesterday’s dreams,

a cruise across the Pacific or Atlantic, a trip to Hawaii to visit my son and his wife, where I can play on the beach with my Diamond, giggling and wiggling toes in the warm sand, then sitting in awe as the sun sets, caught up in a fierce display of color as the sun is pushed aside by the night.  A trip to Italy would be nice, where I can walk up the steps of the Vatican like mom did, and who knows?...perhaps a surprise meeting with the Pope.   All without fear breathing the same air as my hopes and my dreams.

I wish I had yesterday’s moments,

when I laughed with the innocence of a child – uninhibited and without caution, without wondering...no, without worrying, what would come for me first, tomorrow or no…

I just wish I had yesterday’s life.

I'm Just Saying...

As nightmares go, mine sucked!  I posted it yesterday hot off the press and at the time after just waking up out of the throes of terror, it was really frightening.  But I wasn’t being chased by man-eating zombies.  No Freddie Kruger-like scary thing was chasing me from one dream to another trying to kill me – no, my “nightmare” was about being stuck in a cubicle with files all around me.  Seriously?  That wasn’t a nightmare folks, it is my day job, which by the way, with one surgery down and one to go, it is a job I’m getting closer to returning to, ergo the anxiety.   I’m rather embarrassed that I even posted it, and the first thing this morning it was my intention to hit delete.  But, since my “nightmare” may be associated with the emotional garbage, trials and tribulations that are associated with somebody (meaning me) dealing with cancer, I figured I’d allow it to remain a part of my story, regardless to how ridiculous.  So there you go.

To relieve some stress yesterday I went to my favorite park to work off what now appears to be anxiety caused by the fear of small cubicles.  I have to say, it was a really pleasant walk.  Now I have to be honest, I wouldn’t win any trophies for speed walking.  I am literally doing a leisurely walk around the lake.  No kidding, a three-year old toddler could pass me up, matter of fact, yesterday three toddlers and an elderly lady with a French poodle in a baby stroller whipped right past me.  I’m not kidding.  But I was alright with that.  I am in no hurry when I’m at the park.  I’m getting my butt up and actually getting out and exercising again, and it may take some more time to get up to speed, but I’ll get there.  It takes one moment at a time plus a little effort, right? Right.

Today is my day to not be out in the sun.  I’m just being lazy.  Also, I won’t be getting to the beach next week as I’d planned, however I’m hoping to spend some quality time visiting the zoo and eating stuff I shouldn’t be eating with my niece, Desiree, and my oldest son, Tony.  I’m looking forward to that.  I’ll keep you posted.  Ciao baby!

 “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

A Little Nightmare

I woke up this morning in a panic.  I had a dream I’d gone into the office to see everybody and made the mistake of sitting at my desk.   Before I knew what was happening my inbox was filled with files and a temporary employee was telling me it was work that was left for me by another employee and that it had to be completed before I left for home.  I looked around to see if I could leave the files with someone else but the office was a ghost town, emptied out with the exception of me and the temp.  I called the person who had left the files on my desk and explained I was ill and had not yet returned to work, but she became very angry with me.  "If you weren’t ready to come back to work why are you even in the office?" she yelled.  "I’m not feeling well either and need to be home!"  I could feel the panic sweeping over me.  I wanted to help, but emotionally and physically, I just wasn’t ready.  I tried to explain, "I still have another cancer, I can’t do this yet."  Her reply was icy, completely void of sympathy.  "Then you shouldn’t be there."  Her anger was so palpable.  Why?  I hung up the phone and slowly sat down in my chair.  The weight on my shoulders was painful.  I looked around and  somehow the files had multiplied 100 times over, surrounding me from every angle.  Resigned, I opened the first file and that’s when I woke up. 

I’m not kidding, when I opened my eyes, my heart was racing, pounding against my chest.  I got out of bed to pace the floor for calm.  It literally took me a minute to realize it hadn’t been real, it was only a dream.  It had felt so real.  Damn.  Does this dream represent the residual effects of chemo?  Or am I just losing it?  I decided to blog it before I forgot it.

My son asked me a question a couple of weeks ago that has been on my mind.  “More or less, with surgery you are being given the gift of time.  Will you live life the way you’ve been living it, or do something different?”  Perhaps this is my subconscious just trying to work it all out.


“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.

The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.

If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”
― Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life    

Hello Graciousness!

I feel invincible, a superwoman -- like I can take on the world singlehandedly because I AM ALL THAT.  I'm kicking butt and taking no prisoners daggonit!  And why?  Because I walked around the entire lake today, not once, but twice!  Yes I did!  Toot toot!  Yeah, yeah...and I'm patting myself on the back too.

Okay, enough of that.  But considering only a week or so ago I couldn't even make it half way around that monster lake without inwardly whining, huffing and a puffing, I'm giving myself an overabundance of kudos -- indeed I am.  Because seriously, not one of us knows what tomorrow will bring so I'm looking at all my moments more preciously than I ever have before.  It's too bad it's taken cancer to get me to this point.  Now here's the big BUT -- no pun intended -- better late than never!

I have to tell you, the moment I was diagnosed with cancers, my world changed.  At first, it literally spun out of orbit.  Literally.  Emotionally, I was all over the place.  The expiration date on me was becoming a little clearer and that scared the hell out of me.  Since, life has opened up to me in a completely new way; in a good way.  I think I can feel and see things more clearly now.  I have a renewed gratitude for the things that truly matter in my life; gratitude for waking up each morning and starting a new day, gratitude for the fact that I can even walk around the lake again, gratitude for my children and my granddaughter and my daughter-in-law, my family and true friends.  I can't say the word enough.  I'm just grateful, and it would be stupid if I did not take advantage of the opportunities that have been granted to me as a beautifully wrapped gift. Valarie Harper expressed this better than I ever could when addressing her own diagnosis.  "I can't say it's terminal. I'm saying it's incurable so far, but we're all terminal. No one is getting out of this alive," she said. "The key is, don't go to the funeral until the day of the funeral."

In other words, I do not want to spend one minute of today worrying about what tomorrow might bring.  I might miss a really good moment!

Tomorrow I'm going for lap number 3!  Ciao baby!



”You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.”
Psalm 30:11-12

Happy Sunday!

Hey all happy Sunday! So I went back to Wapato Park yesterday.  It was my intent to walk around the thing.  But as I was standing by the lake and gazing around, it was hard to believe I’d ever made it six laps let alone do one.  To my eyes the park looked to be the length of four, five or six foot ball fields.  It must be how a three-year old feels standing at Dad’s feet, looking up and seeing a giant.  Yep, a walk around the lake, which I've done many times, has now become my giant.  Sooo...I started out, but didn’t make it very far before exhaustion and a little pull on my incision area had me turning back around and heading to my car.  But you know what?...I’ve got to at least make that first try even if it’s shoddy.  The next time I will look progress in the eyes and then bitch slap that first lap.

Friday, I had a visit with my surgeon and my oncologist.  My surgeon is happy because I’m obviously healing well, and my oncologist is happy because the pathology results showed the cancerous tumor that was removed from my body was very small and that all lymph nodes were clear.  Yea!  I get an entire month off to heal up completely, than I have an appointment on September 5^th for another C-Scan and some other tests before choosing the radiation/chemo therapy I will have for 5 weeks straight.  Yikes!  Here we go with another test of courage.  Keep those prayers a coming ‘cause they are holding me upright to the finish line. 

Now because I need a bit of rejuvenation both physically and mentally before I start my five weeks of therapy, I’m planning a trip to the ocean at the end of August!  Yes…I want to stand on the beach and wiggle my toes in the warm sand, gaze at the awesomeness of God’s Terra firma, and get some natural healing from the salt water in the air.  I also want to eat breakfast at Pig 'N Pancake restaurant where my mom, Debbie and I used to eat when we visited Seaside, Oregon. 

Oh my goodness, I can’t wait! Bon Voyage!


You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'

Eleanor Roosevelt