Biopsy Friday

My liver biopsy day was last Friday and two good things happened to make me smile.  Thing No. 1 - The best part about any procedure is when they slip you that mickey.  The fog that comes in off the make-believe tide and sweeps over you is absolutely delicious.  Before drifting off I do recall asking the nurse if she was single and telling her my oldest son was also single and verrry handsome.  The last thing hitting my ears was her thanking me for considering her as a potential daughter-in-law.  And please, let me clarify, I am not a drug addict, but I do admit to enjoying the perfectly legal buzz before passing out, and waking up with everything over and out.

Thing No. 2 - My recovery took longer than anticipated so they gave me a room and I was allowed to order breakfast.  The nurse, I thought, accidentally gave me the "normal" persons menu.  You know, the one that doesn't have just low fat, no fat, no sugar this or that selections.  I thought it was by accident so I ordered tentatively expecting the voice on the other end of the phone to say 'nope not for you' with each of my choices.  Here's me.  "Yeah...so can I have the French Toast with lots of butter and syrup on the side?"  Pause.  Happy voice said, "Well, you surely can."  Ecstatic me.  "I can?" Happy voice said, "And would you like some meat with that?"  Another pause on my end as if it were a trick question. "Uh...yeah...how about some turkey bacon?"  Happy voice, "Well, we don't have turkey bacon, but would you like the real bacon?"  Oh Sweet Georgia Brown. As if you even have to ask!  By this point, I'm drooling.  I say yes really quick so they can bring me some of the real food she's teasin' me with.  When I hung up the phone, I expected it to ring again letting me know I'd ordered from the wrong menu.  Been there, done that.  But the phone in my room remained silent.  Yeah.  About twenty minutes later, a knock on my door and in walks a lady with a tray.  I literally inhaled everything right off the tray. So damn good. I guess since my doctor didn't anticipate my being in the hospital long, he didn't bother to leave orders about my diet.  Thank you, thank you!

And now, here I am waiting for the call with the results, more cancer or no.  Pray for me please.  I'm really scared.



“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom

A Little Prayer

Dear God,

I was thinking if you could just still the waters of pain, and disease and war and injustice, then I could breathe.

Please Lord of my soul and my heart; just hold everything still so I can catch my breath.

Do you hear me?

My heart is bleeding.  I’m scared. My mind is full of worry.  I’m weeping.

Please just hold this world still for a minute so I can catch up.

Are you listening?

And there you were.  In a whisper that is the wind.  And the sound of the ocean that is the sea.

 

Dear child,

You be still, and know that I’ve got you.

I’ve got you.

Let your heart be healed, lead your soul to calm, be at peace.

I’ve got you.

Amen. Amen. 

written by A.Y.

Psalm 46:10

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁰ “Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”

 

Good Times

So yes, I have been in a slump lately, but seriously, it would be remiss of me not to mention some of my better days.  And honestly, I've had more of them than not.  A week or so ago my twelve-year old niece, Desiree, stayed with me for two days.  She's a joy.  During her visit, we went to the movies and saw Despicable Me 2, and The Immortal Instruments.  I wanted to take her to a couple of scary R rated movies but couldn't reach her mom to get permission.  Shoot!  Anyway, we also went to PT. Defiance Park, and ate whatever we wanted to eat.  On the way home, we stopped at The Lobster Shop on the waterfront, and got two orders of clams in lots of butter, and my niece had some kind of taco thingy with a Shirley Temple, while I had the real deal in a sweet tea concoction.  Yum. Hey, it was happy hour, and I love my grown up drinks.

Oh and before starting out for the park we stopped for a short visit with an old friend of my mom's.  Below, on left is a picture of Sam, mom's friend's granddaughter, then me in the middle, and my Desiree.  Those two days were fun, I really had a good time, and I think my niece enjoyed herself too. Good times kick bad time's butt every time!

Let's just celebrate each day with good times!


 
“What day is it?"
It's today," squeaked Piglet.
My favorite day," said Pooh.”
― A.A. Milne

And So It Goes...

My biopsy has been scheduled for Friday, September 13th.  Yeah, I know, the nurse offered to schedule the appointment for the following Monday taking into account a possible superstitious nature, but I said no worries.  I mean seriously, I have two cancers.  I'm not worried about scary Friday the 13th.

I'll let you know the results as soon as I know.  Ciao baby.

"Sometimes I wish I could live in a drama free world but then I remember even the greatest warriors had to go through pain before making it to paradise."

 Ambri Bright quotes  | added by: brown_ambri

"IF YOU WEAR OUT YOUR BODY WHERE WILL YOU LIVE?"

I pretty much know where I will or want to live when I wear out this body, I'm just not ready to go yet. So I guess I need to take better care of this old body of mine.

I couldn't help stopping and taking a picture of this sign though.  It's more than a message on a board.  It's literally shouting out the necessity and the urgency for all of us to put ourselves first!

And this is actually the title of a book by author Barb Schwarz.  The book deals with "...a renewal of the body, mind and soul through nutritional choices and a plan for empowering personal potential." A short little read worth checking out.





“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” – Siddartha Guatama Buddha

Mama Said There'll Be Days...

In case you haven’t already figured it out from my previous post my mood is in need of a serious overhaul.  For the last few days I’ve been in the dumps. Getting out of the bed in the morning takes extreme effort some days, and to be honest, there are days I don't even try.  It’s like that sometimes you know?  This cancer journey is emotionally a roller coaster ride that has to be taken all the way through to the end, and it’s a bumpy ride.  I’ve been worried because I found what felt like a lump in the puffy skin right under my right breast, same breast with the cancerous tumor, and I’ve been seriously hoping and praying it’s scar tissue from the surgery in July.  And I've been worrying about the additional chemo and radiation therapy needed.  Well, yesterday I had a CT-Scan and chest x-ray which was previously scheduled in preparation for my last line of therapy for the pancreas, called the Virginia Mason Protocol, which consists of me wearing a fanny pack with tubes attached to my port that injects a drug called 5-FU (a.k.a. Fluorouracil) automatically every hour, and radiation therapy 5 days a week with chemo on Wednesdays combined with hydration – an all day process.  The intent is to hit me hard for 5-6 weeks straight or until I drop, whichever comes first.  The objective: destroy any cancer cells that may be hiding without killing me in the process. Okay, I'm officially rambling now and need to back up.

So my sister Lisa and I are sitting in Dr. Picozzi’s office – and I’m so glad she’s with me by the way -- while he looks over my recent CT and x-ray and I’m nervous as hell because I’m anticipating him telling me the cancer has spread to the area beneath my breast.  He looks at me, his expression a little bit more serious than I’ve seen it, and my heart speeds up a few beats.  “Well,” he asks, “how have you been feeling since the surgery, better or worse than before?” I take in a deep breath of air and respond.  “I feel better than I did before.”  Still giving a whole lot of attention to what he’s viewing on the computer screen he says,  “Good.”  Okay, okay, okay, so I'm wondering what is going to come out of his mouth that will turn me inside out?  I didn’t have long to wait.  “So,” he starts again, “everything looks good except for something strange that showed up on the CT-Scan.” Something strange?  I’m holding my breath.  “Several spots have shown up in your liver and uh…they don’t look like cancer, however after showing them to Dr. Roca as well, we’re not sure what they are.  A biopsy should tell us if it's cancer.”  Wait.  What?  I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.  Fear will do that to you, completely rob you of the ability to speak or think.  Funny, now the Virginia Mason protocol seems like a trip to the beach.
  

I tell him about my lump discovery and he examines me but doesn’t find anything concerning.  I should be happy about that but my feelings are in a tail spin because of the spots on the liver news.  Dr. Picozzi completes his examination, I sit up, and he gives me a hug which I'm sure is to comfort his patient whom he assumes (correctly) is quaking on the inside.  He’s such a rarity, an amazing doctor who still works with his heart first and combines that with a whole lot of skill and conviction. He tells me the nurse will call to schedule a biopsy.  I say ok.  But my stomach is sick when I walk out of his office, down the hall, into the elevator and to the street.  My sister is talking about something, buying a purse maybe, but all I want to do is get on the bus and head home, to my room and the comfort of my bed.  Lisa, never a blow-smoke-up-the-bum type of gal, doesn't even try to placate me by telling me everything will be okay because she knows me better than that.  I don't want to hear that this is going to be ok, because I know cancer can take on a life of its own when it does its thing, and sometimes it is not okay. Being positive is very important, darn near medicinal -- I truly believe that, but you can be positive while still being realistic about the possibilities.  I will wait for the results of the biopsy to see what's what.

In the meantime, I will lean heavily on faith, and pray, a lot. 

I will pray for my roomy and dear sister, that she is revitalized with good health, my best friend, Mary, for healing of M.S.,  for Shannon, who is going through so much and I pray that her cancer goes away and stays away.  I pray for Terrence, for a strong and healthy heart, and for Rip, that they find out what is making him ill so that he can be successfully treated and free of pain.  I pray for Lonella that she is free of pain with improved health, and Andrella, that she does what is needed for herself to maintain good health.  I pray for Josh's mom and dad, that they will find peace and healing from the pain of their terrible loss.  I pray for my friend Jennifer's Aunt Margaret, that her cancer goes into remission and stays in remission. I pray for Bobbe, Orpha and Kris, that they continue to be healthy and cancer free. I pray for continued good health and happiness for all of my friends, family and colleagues, and complete wellness for anyone out in the world suffering from a debilitating illness.  Amen.

Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.

Voltaire

 

 

 

 

Yesterday's Life

I wish I had yesterday’s life,

to wake up to trivial frustrations like sibling rivalry, job snobs and tribulations, cussing at insane drivers and all kinds of this and that --  in hindsight, all of which now seem so easily repaired, without cancer looking over my shoulders and consuming my every thought.

I wish I had yesterday’s dreams,

a cruise across the Pacific or Atlantic, a trip to Hawaii to visit my son and his wife, where I can play on the beach with my Diamond, giggling and wiggling toes in the warm sand, then sitting in awe as the sun sets, caught up in a fierce display of color as the sun is pushed aside by the night.  A trip to Italy would be nice, where I can walk up the steps of the Vatican like mom did, and who knows?...perhaps a surprise meeting with the Pope.   All without fear breathing the same air as my hopes and my dreams.

I wish I had yesterday’s moments,

when I laughed with the innocence of a child – uninhibited and without caution, without wondering...no, without worrying, what would come for me first, tomorrow or no…

I just wish I had yesterday’s life.