Happy New Year!

Well it's New Year's Eve, and I've got the house to myself tonight.  Outside I can hear the fireworks going off to honor the passing of another year.  My sister is out ringing in the New Year with friends and I elected to stay home and make chocolate chip cookies.  As I sit here typing my post the place is filled with the aroma of warm cookies -- my favorite.  So to back up a bit, Christmas was wonderful -- no, it was better than wonderful, it was blissful.  The day before Christmas my sister and I took a bunch of presents to my brother who lives in Yelm.  He's had a rather difficult life and we wanted to add some joy to his Christmas day by surprising him.  I gathered together my fake Christmas tree which had previously found a home in my room, and we picked up some groceries and showed up on his door step with Merry Christmas cheers!  He was knocked off his feet, smiling from ear to ear.  My younger brother is very much like me in that you can toss anything in a box and wrap it with pretty paper and he's happy.  We stayed at his place until he'd set up the small tree and positioned each gift around it.  He said with a big smile, "This is the best Christmas I've had in a long time."  His girlfriend was hanging back with a big grin on her face too.

Christmas morning at around 6:30 a.m. I headed to the National Cemetery to visit my mom and dad's grave site.  For some reason, this visit was more difficult than it had been in the past.  The car I drive, my Dad's big old Dodge Durango, was the only car shadowed by the dark on the side of the long road.  I stood at their grave site and placed a poinsettia on my Mom's side of the marker, Dad's had a wreath on his side that I'd had the florist deliver earlier in the month -- and as I stood there looking down something welled up deep inside of me and before I could stop myself these wracking, horrible sounds came from my body. I miss them so much -- with every fiber of my being. I wanted to tell them everything that had happened over the past few months, chemo, fear, surgery and more chemo and more fear but nothing came out but this noise that sounded like an animal wounded. I looked up, my body literally shaking, to make sure no body else was coming, and then decided to walk back to my car.  I sat in the car weeping until I saw the lights from another car coming down the road.  On the way out, I stopped by the site of my childhood friend Mary's parents, which was on the wall and laid down another poinsettia by the wreath I'd had the florist deliver for her parents as well.  It was all so sad.  My friend and I had discussed a time when our parents would be laid to rest and that time is now and it's literally bone crushing in spirit.

My mood had really shifted downward and as I drove back home where I knew my sister, my niece and my nephew were waiting so we could open presents, I for the life of me, couldn't figure out how the heck I was was going to shake the mood that had come over me.  Then I decided to call my brother to see if he'd opened his presents.  He said, "We just wanted to sit back and stare at them for a little while longer. You've made Christmas for us Angie,"  That made me smile.  He continued, "The other day I was just wishing we could have a tree and some presents and then you showed up with them.  And I wanted to have cocoa on Christmas day and it was in the groceries you brought us."  Due to personal choices my kindhearted brother has lived a very difficult life and we don't know what tomorrow will bring for him, but Christmas he had a good day and that lifted my spirits to the moon.  By the time I got back home my mood had changed and I was able to fully enjoy the day with my family.  It was the best day.

We all have our troubles, our personal dilemmas, sad times, good times and those moments of grief as we say goodbye over and over again to loved ones who have passed on.  But as hard as it is I know I have to keep my heart on the here and now and tuck every thing else somewhere close by.  It is sometimes the hardest thing to do, but in the New Year I am going to try harder at not mourning the past and to live life happier.

To all of you out there I'm wishing you the very best in the New Year and the days ahead! 

P.S. I had some good news during my chemo visit on Friday.  My doctor says the chemo is kicking serious cancer butt in my liver.  That's something to celebrate.  Happy New Year!


“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

Positivity is a Work In Progress

I haven’t felt much like posting the last few days.  My mood stunk and to be honest how many ways can a gal say I have cancer, it sucks and I feel  emotionally shipwrecked on some days and just don’t give a damn on others?  I want to be positive and think I do a darn good job of it most of the time, but sometimes man, this stuff drags you down and being positive starts to feel like a load of bullshit I use to cover up the constant shadow of fear that’s always, always hovering.  I feel it, try hard to ignore it, but it’s there.  Everyone tells me I’m brave but I don’t feel brave.  On most days I just feel scared.  I hear things like ‘I don’t know if I could do what you do’ and I think to myself, what other options do I have?  I can’t just not move forward, can’t move backwards.  I’m walking toward something without even knowing what’s at the end of the road for me:  chemo, chemo more chemo.  Some days I feel like I’m on death row. I’m just waiting and hoping for my miracle – my clemency from the judge, and then waiting some more.  I need to know.  How do you live your good life with that hanging overhead?

Okay, okay, okay -- enough of that. I’m busting my own balls with all this negativity.  It is what it is.  Here’s something…my best friend and I made a promise to each other to celebrate each moment – Christmas being the next big moment coming up – as if it were our last.  One never knows. That sounds morbid but actually it’s how I should have been living each day pre cancer.  I know my first paragraph doesn’t represent much effort on my part toward being positive but hey…some days suck but here’s me trying to turn it around.  So Christmas is here and our intent is to celebrate the hell out of it with bright lights and fan fare, all the fixings.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday but after losing my mom and brother and my friend losing her dad in December, getting into it takes effort these days.  But a promise is a promise and this year we promised each other to try just a little bit harder. So I got a fake Charlie Brown Christmas tree in my room with lights and ornaments and even some big old candy canes that are so heavy they give the tree a cocky lean to the right.  I pulled out some Christmas CD’s like The Temptations – love the old version of Silent Night when Melvin Franklin ends the song with that deep baritone of his, Merry Christmas From The Temptations!  My CD choices are very eclectic like some Doris Day, Elvis, Luther Vandross and Boyz 2 Men.  Positivity takes work – a lot of work, and since I feel it’s worth the effort, I’ve gotta  keep at it. 

Anyways, so moving on with an update…as post chemo week goes I guess I’d have to say mine wasn’t too troublesome.  I had nausea pills and tummy tea for a tummy that always seems to be borderline, just on the verge of something – however the tea helped considerably.  The day after chemo I actually felt like superwoman’s sidekick and ripped around Tacoma running errands like I was in a marathon.  I paid for it the next day and ended up lounging in bed on empty all day, my head cloudy liked it’d been stuffed with marshmallows. Thank you chemo brain! After a day of doing nothing but watching television, napping and eating whatever I could stuff into my mouth – for a minute after eating my stomach always feels a bit better, which is why I keep stuffing in food, however there is the fact that with everything I eat I need to take an enzyme which I don’t always do because then I’d be popping the pills all day and the downside to random binging is of course gas, so I was for all intense and purposes quarantined in my room with myself for company all day.  No fun.  The cold in Tacoma is kicking my ass.  The chemo drug I’m on has some really weird side affects, which I know I’ve mentioned before.  Remember? Can't eat or drink anything cold or it causes the tongue to swell or throat to close up.  Can't handle the elements. Even bundled up stepping outside makes my hands and feet feel like I being poked with a thousand needles and nothing helps but being warmed up.  So for now no making angels in the snow, and no going outside when the temperature drops.  And I have to say this is a bummer for someone, who in a normal world, absolutely loves cold weather.

Well, that’s it for me.  I hope everyone out there has an enjoyable holiday season with no discomfort, or sadness or pain, if only for that one day.  I'm sending good thoughts your way!

You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.

Ralph Marston 

You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.

Ralph Marston

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ralphmarst132916.html#UFd2hbd5iOyweVtZ.99

You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.

Ralph Marston

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ralphmarst132916.html#UFd2hbd5iOyweVtZ.99

Just For Today

I changed all my doctors to Virginia Mason so they’d all be on the same page with respect to my health history.  My first appointment with my new primary doctor was on Tuesday; she was very kind but the appointment wasn’t consistent with my previous physicals i.e. pap smear, breast exam – setting up appointment for colonoscopy, which I have every five years and five year mark has become due.  She talked to me about how I was dealing with cancer, and depression – I wanted to tell her I was feeling a bit of depression coming over me now the longer she spoke but I didn’t.  I told her I wasn't ready to take a nose dive off the nearest bridge so considering I wasn't doing so bad.  She jotted something down on her little pad -- probably something like patient may be considering jumping off a bridge at some point. I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd have asked me to lay back on the proverbial couch and talk about my childhood.  My inside voice was screaming, When is the physical going to start! After a few more intrusive questions to establish some kind of intimacy on her part with me I asked if I was actually going to have the usual physical and screenings, and she said,

“There is no reason to put you through any additional cancer screenings at this time considering your overall health situation.” Um okay. And I have a new primary care provider why?

My mind did its usual brain freeze due to fear sneaking up. Finally I opened my mouth to speak, hoping it was without the voice quiver that I detest.  “So, um, if this chemo treatment I’m currently on kills the cancer cells spread by the original site in my pancreas will they be removing the tumor in my breast at any time down the road?

New primary care doctor said, “I don’t really anticipate them putting your body through that.  I mean what would be the point.” The point?  To remove the cancer from my body is the point.  But I didn’t say that.  I totally got what she was saying, just didn’t want to accept it.  These days the realities of my situation are just not warm and fuzzy enough for me.    

After the long bus ride from Seattle, I walked into the condo and went straight for my room.  I undressed got into my bed then opened my mouth as wide as I could and screamed as loud as I could without any sound whatsoever being exhaled.  We have children in the building and of course I didn't want to be known as the crazy woman in D3.  So that discussion with my new primary care provider and my quiet breakdown in the privacy of my bedroom, took place on Tuesday.

My sister always seems to know when something’s gone south and the next day she got me a card.  I’d like to share it with you.

Just for today –

Do the things you like the best, ignore the routine.

Put your troubles to rest.

Just for today –

Make a wish, make a plan. Close your eyes. Dream a Dream. Believe that you can.

Just for today –

Laugh out loud. Sing a song. Be assertive. Be silly. Be happy. Be strong

Just for today –

Do it all once, and then if you like it…

Tomorrow, do it all once again!

Sometimes it’s easiest just to think about

One day at a time!

Yesterday I was mentally ready to return to my chemo chair – mentally ready but by no means enthusiastic. Dr. Picozzi came in about 9:00 a.m. to give me the 411 on my blood work and he was happy everything looked good.  I talked to him about my appointment with my new primary care provider and he relayed the same things she said but with a less invasive delivery.  “We can’t allow anything to interfere with your treatment for pancreatic cancer.  Right now it trumps everything else.”  Okay got it.  I think.  I did feel better though.  For now.

But I have to tell you that on Thursday I decided to have my Just For Today moment.  I took myself to the casino, which is a place I haven’t visited in quite a while because the casino has not been good to me in the past.  But guess what?  I won a $1,200 jackpot on the nickel machine.  Whahooey!  The day before I put my beloved 2001 Dodge Durango in the shop for some serious repairs; it had been parked until I could come up with the cash to get it fixed.  I love my Durango because it belonged to my dad.  Backing that big thing up makes me smile because it sounds like a quiet bus with some serious mojo.  It comforts me and I'm just not ready to turn it in for something else.  Not at this time in my life.  So anyway, the next day while I was sitting in my chemo chair feeling crappy over the infusion I get a call from my mechanic, who I was sure was going to tell me the repair work on my car was going to cost ridiculous.  Ok guess how much?  Go ahead and guess.  Okay I'll tell you. They gave me a quote between $1,100 and $1,200.  Tell me that ain’t angels looking over my shoulders. 

Sending good thoughts to all of you as you go through you own challenges and wishing you wellness and happiness throughout the holiday season and in the years to come!


“Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope” - Hal Lindsey

Cancer On My Mind

It's after 1:00 a.m. Sunday morning and I can’t sleep.  I lost a friend this past week and I’m sure it has something to do with my current mood.  I’ve known this woman for twelve years, and in that time we worked together, talked on the phone, fussed and argued about everything, laughed about ridiculous stuff and then we’d do it all over again another day.  Last time I spoke to her on the phone I was singing at the top of my lungs, Amen! Amen! Amen! Amen! Amen! – and she’d chime in with “Hallelujah!” in between my heartfelt Amen!  We’d laugh like girls until I’m sure my neighbors started to wonder if I’d lost my mind.  I will miss you Lonella.

I swear that under the cloaking of night time, when everything is silent, when it feels like the entire world is asleep but me – this is when the boogie man is up to no good.  All the scary stuff that passes through my mind, the things that I purposely crush during the day time find their way in.  The fears, the doubts, the trepidation and all my insecurities are messing with me right now.  I’m muddling my way amongst all the cancer crap still trying to come to terms with some heavy shit, like dying and living through the dying and wishing somebody had a play book with instructions on the best way to go about it all.  It’s weird, some days I feel like I’ve got this! – and on other days it’s like right now, where I’m asking, what the hell happened to my life?

Like everyone, I’ve been listening to everything I can on the late and very awesome Nelson Mandela and came across a quote today that spoke directly to my soul:  “There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.”  You see, this journey is my walk and I’m trying to figure out how to stay on the path toward my dreams and my goals without allowing this sometimes overwhelming and humongous scourge that has invaded my body swallow me whole and distract me from my purpose.  Last few days, I have to admit to giving in to my fears and being just a little bit distracted. I’ll work through it though.

Look, I haven't totally given in to the slumps.  I had a really great day yesterday. My gals, Monica, Vivienne and Paula treated me to a Christmas lunch at Anthony’s on the water, my favorite place to eat, and as we chatted I took moments to gaze at the water as it rippled and rolled with the breeze.  The day was my day, they said.  I got to indulge in a bit of narcissism – but just a tad – because nothing I like more than being treated like something special.  I got that.  We talked about old times and new times.  We laughed about silly stuff and we shed some tears – well, mostly me, and my dear friend Vivienne, whose heart is hurting because I am, and me from the outpouring of love from such good people who genuinely and sincerely care about me. They surprised me with gifts – a gift certificate from Gene Juarez, another favorite place of mine where I get some pampering, and a beautiful book of daily devotions.  It’s funny that every time I start to give in to bad moments something always happens to pull me back from the dark.  This was one of those times.  These gals were exactly what I needed, and I’m grateful to have them in my world.

I have an overabundance of blessings in my life, and I'm grateful all the way to my tippy toes.  I know this, and have to remind myself to focus only on the positive.  My niece sent me something that literally bitch slapped me off my pity potty.  It's a blog, and the owner of the blog is only 21 years old with an old soul.  This little girl is dealing with shit I’m having a hard time dealing with at my old age, but she said something that connected with my heart.    

"I may have been given incredibly unfair cards in life, but these are the ones that I have been dealt and these are the ones that I need to make the most of. I guess some people take a whole lifetime to not even make a dent on society. I am utilizing all of my time to make a huge difference in people’s lives. Maybe I do not need that whole lifetime to impact people, I sure would like one, but sometimes the ones who are here the least amount of time leave the biggest impression. If I can somehow stay positive throughout facing my mortality at such a young age, then I believe others should stay positive too."

I’d like to pass this blog on to inspire you as it did me. http://thenotdyinggirl.com/. Cancer is an abomination, most especially when it attacks our children. And that just will not do. We will not stop, must not stop -- until cancer does.

I'm only human and I know there will be more days when this fight will seem more than this warrior can bare, and I’m pretty sure the last couple of days evidenced this.  But I also know I’m no quitter; warriors do not give up.  Not this one anyway.  I’m confident in saying that no one at any one time will ever lose a battle to cancer or succumb to this disease as long as there are those out there walking, running, jogging or just reaching into their pockets to give to the cause.  Warriors never die, we lay down and rest when we’re weary, confident and sure that while we rest others will rise up and continue the fight in our honor. That’s the code we live by.


“The greatest glory in living
lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.”
― Nelson Mandela