Positivity is a Work In Progress

I haven’t felt much like posting the last few days.  My mood stunk and to be honest how many ways can a gal say I have cancer, it sucks and I feel  emotionally shipwrecked on some days and just don’t give a damn on others?  I want to be positive and think I do a darn good job of it most of the time, but sometimes man, this stuff drags you down and being positive starts to feel like a load of bullshit I use to cover up the constant shadow of fear that’s always, always hovering.  I feel it, try hard to ignore it, but it’s there.  Everyone tells me I’m brave but I don’t feel brave.  On most days I just feel scared.  I hear things like ‘I don’t know if I could do what you do’ and I think to myself, what other options do I have?  I can’t just not move forward, can’t move backwards.  I’m walking toward something without even knowing what’s at the end of the road for me:  chemo, chemo more chemo.  Some days I feel like I’m on death row. I’m just waiting and hoping for my miracle – my clemency from the judge, and then waiting some more.  I need to know.  How do you live your good life with that hanging overhead?

Okay, okay, okay -- enough of that. I’m busting my own balls with all this negativity.  It is what it is.  Here’s something…my best friend and I made a promise to each other to celebrate each moment – Christmas being the next big moment coming up – as if it were our last.  One never knows. That sounds morbid but actually it’s how I should have been living each day pre cancer.  I know my first paragraph doesn’t represent much effort on my part toward being positive but hey…some days suck but here’s me trying to turn it around.  So Christmas is here and our intent is to celebrate the hell out of it with bright lights and fan fare, all the fixings.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday but after losing my mom and brother and my friend losing her dad in December, getting into it takes effort these days.  But a promise is a promise and this year we promised each other to try just a little bit harder. So I got a fake Charlie Brown Christmas tree in my room with lights and ornaments and even some big old candy canes that are so heavy they give the tree a cocky lean to the right.  I pulled out some Christmas CD’s like The Temptations – love the old version of Silent Night when Melvin Franklin ends the song with that deep baritone of his, Merry Christmas From The Temptations!  My CD choices are very eclectic like some Doris Day, Elvis, Luther Vandross and Boyz 2 Men.  Positivity takes work – a lot of work, and since I feel it’s worth the effort, I’ve gotta  keep at it. 

Anyways, so moving on with an update…as post chemo week goes I guess I’d have to say mine wasn’t too troublesome.  I had nausea pills and tummy tea for a tummy that always seems to be borderline, just on the verge of something – however the tea helped considerably.  The day after chemo I actually felt like superwoman’s sidekick and ripped around Tacoma running errands like I was in a marathon.  I paid for it the next day and ended up lounging in bed on empty all day, my head cloudy liked it’d been stuffed with marshmallows. Thank you chemo brain! After a day of doing nothing but watching television, napping and eating whatever I could stuff into my mouth – for a minute after eating my stomach always feels a bit better, which is why I keep stuffing in food, however there is the fact that with everything I eat I need to take an enzyme which I don’t always do because then I’d be popping the pills all day and the downside to random binging is of course gas, so I was for all intense and purposes quarantined in my room with myself for company all day.  No fun.  The cold in Tacoma is kicking my ass.  The chemo drug I’m on has some really weird side affects, which I know I’ve mentioned before.  Remember? Can't eat or drink anything cold or it causes the tongue to swell or throat to close up.  Can't handle the elements. Even bundled up stepping outside makes my hands and feet feel like I being poked with a thousand needles and nothing helps but being warmed up.  So for now no making angels in the snow, and no going outside when the temperature drops.  And I have to say this is a bummer for someone, who in a normal world, absolutely loves cold weather.

Well, that’s it for me.  I hope everyone out there has an enjoyable holiday season with no discomfort, or sadness or pain, if only for that one day.  I'm sending good thoughts your way!

You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.

Ralph Marston 

You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.

Ralph Marston

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ralphmarst132916.html#UFd2hbd5iOyweVtZ.99

You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.

Ralph Marston

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ralphmarst132916.html#UFd2hbd5iOyweVtZ.99