Cancer On My Mind

It's after 1:00 a.m. Sunday morning and I can’t sleep.  I lost a friend this past week and I’m sure it has something to do with my current mood.  I’ve known this woman for twelve years, and in that time we worked together, talked on the phone, fussed and argued about everything, laughed about ridiculous stuff and then we’d do it all over again another day.  Last time I spoke to her on the phone I was singing at the top of my lungs, Amen! Amen! Amen! Amen! Amen! – and she’d chime in with “Hallelujah!” in between my heartfelt Amen!  We’d laugh like girls until I’m sure my neighbors started to wonder if I’d lost my mind.  I will miss you Lonella.

I swear that under the cloaking of night time, when everything is silent, when it feels like the entire world is asleep but me – this is when the boogie man is up to no good.  All the scary stuff that passes through my mind, the things that I purposely crush during the day time find their way in.  The fears, the doubts, the trepidation and all my insecurities are messing with me right now.  I’m muddling my way amongst all the cancer crap still trying to come to terms with some heavy shit, like dying and living through the dying and wishing somebody had a play book with instructions on the best way to go about it all.  It’s weird, some days I feel like I’ve got this! – and on other days it’s like right now, where I’m asking, what the hell happened to my life?

Like everyone, I’ve been listening to everything I can on the late and very awesome Nelson Mandela and came across a quote today that spoke directly to my soul:  “There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.”  You see, this journey is my walk and I’m trying to figure out how to stay on the path toward my dreams and my goals without allowing this sometimes overwhelming and humongous scourge that has invaded my body swallow me whole and distract me from my purpose.  Last few days, I have to admit to giving in to my fears and being just a little bit distracted. I’ll work through it though.

Look, I haven't totally given in to the slumps.  I had a really great day yesterday. My gals, Monica, Vivienne and Paula treated me to a Christmas lunch at Anthony’s on the water, my favorite place to eat, and as we chatted I took moments to gaze at the water as it rippled and rolled with the breeze.  The day was my day, they said.  I got to indulge in a bit of narcissism – but just a tad – because nothing I like more than being treated like something special.  I got that.  We talked about old times and new times.  We laughed about silly stuff and we shed some tears – well, mostly me, and my dear friend Vivienne, whose heart is hurting because I am, and me from the outpouring of love from such good people who genuinely and sincerely care about me. They surprised me with gifts – a gift certificate from Gene Juarez, another favorite place of mine where I get some pampering, and a beautiful book of daily devotions.  It’s funny that every time I start to give in to bad moments something always happens to pull me back from the dark.  This was one of those times.  These gals were exactly what I needed, and I’m grateful to have them in my world.

I have an overabundance of blessings in my life, and I'm grateful all the way to my tippy toes.  I know this, and have to remind myself to focus only on the positive.  My niece sent me something that literally bitch slapped me off my pity potty.  It's a blog, and the owner of the blog is only 21 years old with an old soul.  This little girl is dealing with shit I’m having a hard time dealing with at my old age, but she said something that connected with my heart.    

"I may have been given incredibly unfair cards in life, but these are the ones that I have been dealt and these are the ones that I need to make the most of. I guess some people take a whole lifetime to not even make a dent on society. I am utilizing all of my time to make a huge difference in people’s lives. Maybe I do not need that whole lifetime to impact people, I sure would like one, but sometimes the ones who are here the least amount of time leave the biggest impression. If I can somehow stay positive throughout facing my mortality at such a young age, then I believe others should stay positive too."

I’d like to pass this blog on to inspire you as it did me. http://thenotdyinggirl.com/. Cancer is an abomination, most especially when it attacks our children. And that just will not do. We will not stop, must not stop -- until cancer does.

I'm only human and I know there will be more days when this fight will seem more than this warrior can bare, and I’m pretty sure the last couple of days evidenced this.  But I also know I’m no quitter; warriors do not give up.  Not this one anyway.  I’m confident in saying that no one at any one time will ever lose a battle to cancer or succumb to this disease as long as there are those out there walking, running, jogging or just reaching into their pockets to give to the cause.  Warriors never die, we lay down and rest when we’re weary, confident and sure that while we rest others will rise up and continue the fight in our honor. That’s the code we live by.


“The greatest glory in living
lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.”
― Nelson Mandela