Quick Update

I actually had a really positive day today, and after my channelling Job yesterday, from the Book of Job in the bible, I felt I owed you an update with something a bit more uplifting. 

My friend, Vivienne and Richard gave me the transport to my appointment.  They live all the way in Bellevue and came to Tacoma to get me.  Unbelievable.  Sometimes I'm just amazed and overwhelmed at all the attention and love. I am being crazy spoiled and loving it! Richard dropped us off in front and promised to come back to pick up us after the therapy. We got to the appointment early so I checked in at the front desk, and then Vivienne and I decided to head for the cafeteria. We munched on some muffins and caught up on some past due gossip like old times.  It was really nice.  Then later in the morning Roxanne and Sylvia showed up.  They brought me a large hot chocolate from Delattantes.  Oh my...it was chocolaty heaven and still really hot the way I embrace it.  Yeah, it was that good.  My goodness!  Thank you ladies!

My chemo drip today went well.  The doctor said that I'm handling the chemo like a champ.  Because I've had a 10 pound weight gain from 160 to 170 (dagnabbit), they decided to increase the dosage today.  The doc was okay with the weight gain, me not so much.  But apparently the fact that I'm able to gain weight is now considered a good thing when you are a pancreatic cancer patient. Who knew? Remember in my post yesterday I mentioned having a dark spot on my skin that rubbed off when I touched it?  Apparently this is common.  The skinning is due to the chemo as apparently over time the skin becomes very thin.  Doctor advised keeping an eye open for these dark spots and bandage them up with a bit of Neosporin and a little TLC.  I can do that.  The eyes dripping like a broken faucet,  another side affect of the chemo -- requires some eye drops to keep them from getting dried out. So there you have it, easy solutions to annoying problems.  I do know I'm blessed not having to deal with issues any more serious than these.

“Head up, heart open. To better days!”

― T.F. Hodge, From Within I Rise: Spiritual Triumph Over Death and Conscious Encounters with "The Divine Presence"

Pre Mondays

I hate Mondays.  I should hate Sundays, being it's the day before but I don’t.  Funny, I used to hate Monday because I had to return to my desk, and the issues on it waiting to be resolved.  Now I’d give anything to be able to go to work as opposed to showing up at Virginia Mason for another chemo drip.  But that’s not all that’s been on my mind, a shadow has been hanging over me this entire weekend and it has nothing to do with the gloomy weather.  My best friend’s son is seriously ill and I can’t do a thing to help. It truly, truly hurts my heart that her son is going through so much, and as with any mother, when your child hurts you hurt, and my dear friend is in agony.     

Ah man. I'm also experiencing a new side effect from Chemo.  I found a spot on my arm this weekend and thought it was chocolate – obviously because I’ve been eating chocolate as a balm for what ails me -- but when I went to rub it off it was actually my skin that peeled off.  What the hell?  Crap.  I cleaned the area and slapped some Neosporin and a band aid on it then frantically did a check of the whole body for more dark spots.  Thank Goodness, none found, but oh man, that was creepy.

Added to that, mom, dad and Kenny have been on my mind off and on all weekend and I've felt such sadness.  Not that thinking about them is unusual, but the sadness that came on combined with everything else? – just sucks.  Remember that song, ‘Momma said there’ll be days like this there’ll be days like this my Momma said”? Okay, one would probably not be familiar with the song unless born in the 50’s or 60’s or into 60’s oldies, but my point is, sometimes things catch up and rock bottom hits hard and fast. Well, I feel like I just literally cracked my head on the virtual bottom, and my tricks for positive thinking just headed south. 

What to do, what to do?  I guess a funk is what I’m in right now so I just have to deal with it. Dang, I just don't think I've ever felt this broken before.   

Who knows, maybe it's just a matter of getting my yellow pant suit out of the cleaners.  :)  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks for listening.

Shield Against The Storm

I am not, and never have been, a basking-in-the-sun type of gal.  My seasonal preference has always been the stormy, chilly, dark and rainy days of fall and winter. That said, lately, I'm feeling the need for some serious Vitamin D.  I woke up feeling really pissy a week or so ago, long night with two much thinking in my head.  So my big sis and I went shopping.  I think it’s my sister’s solution for what ails ya, and I ain’t complaining.  I was walking around J.C. Penny's -- ho hum -- halfheartedly looking at clothes, then jewelry, back to the clothes rack and that's when I saw the sun literally hanging on a hangar like it had every right in the world to be there.  It was explosive!  A yellow-gold top with an appliqué around the bottom in a lighter shade of yellow and matching Capri pants with shiny silver studs designed on the outside of the pants.  Now for anyone who knows me, I’m a background type of person, low key. I've been seen in black, brown -- sometimes red, but never in anything screaming, I’M HERE DAMMIT! You have to pull on some serious shades to catch the full effect of this outfit without being blinded.  But it was so outlandish and loud that it made me smile.  I tried it on and it was perfection.  I found a multi-colored necklace with beads in shades of blue, red, yellow and orange, the perfect accessory for an outfit designed by the Sun.  I was meeting with the ladies in my department on Thursday and thought it would be just the thing for debuting my new threads.  All that was needed on that day to make it perfect was some natural sunshine.  But no such luck, it rained, it poured; the sky wept like a baby.

When I woke up I was like a little kid on her first day of school and excited about wearing something new and pretty.  I put on my yellow pant suit, and accessories with some red slip-ons -- put my wig on with that just tussled look to it and after adding a touch of red lipstick, I was on my way.  I sat on the bus to Seattle feeling like a Diva.

Once in Seattle, I headed for Dilettante, my favorite place for hot chocolate and with a little time on my hands before meeting the gals, decided to sit in peace and calm and enjoy the moment.  A woman walked up to me grinning from ear to ear, "You look like the sun," she said chuckling.  Her smile was contagious and I smiled back and thanked her.  My heart was skip roping, I felt so uplifted.  While walking to Sazaracs, a very eclectic place to eat and the quintessential establishment for a woman in a bright yellow pant suit -- another lady fighting to keep an enormous umbrella upright against the rain, smiled and commented, "Lady, you were just too determined to bring out the sun today. Love the outfit!"  I’m grinning like a Cheshire kitty.

On some days I wake up feeling like shit.  On the day of my luncheon it was raining like something ridiculous but because of my yellow outfit I woke up smiling, and felt high on life all day long.  Funny, what something as simple as a change of clothing will do for your spirits.  Some days are just stormy, and on these days, man, I’ve got to shield myself against the gloom with a little somethin’ somethin’. 

Reach up and grab whatever makes you feel better, a friend that helps you find the silly in the normal so you can laugh like girls; a gut-busting type of insane laughter that makes your stomach hurt and your eyes water.  Light some candles around the bathtub and soak your body in bubbles that smell delicious.  Find somebody to pamper you with a massage or a mani-pedi.  Yesterday I got a nice card with a Barnes & Noble gift card in it from my sister in California, so today after my workout I went to Barnes & Nobles, ordered something hammy and cheesy and topped it off with an apple-Dutch cheese cake, and shared a quiet moment with myself.  A bit naughty on the calories I must agree, but it made me feel really good.  Each day that we wake up is a gift, so if the universe is offering us one more day, then why not enjoy the hell out of it? 

“The greatest act of faith some days is to simply get up and face another day.”
― Amy Gatliff

A Little Cancer

When I was diagnosed, Kris, my colleague and now dear friend took me by the hand and gently guided an absolutely terrified me, through this cancer journey.  A pancreatic cancer survivor herself, this woman, this God-given angel of mine, who went through her own hell on the way to full recovery, has been amazing.  Her selflessness, her gentle advice and love has helped me through this difficult time by preparing me for what was to come.  It's meant everything.  Now, perhaps I can do the same for someone else.

This post is for anyone who may be experiencing this disease, or for anyone like my inquisitive and younger son, Michael, who may be interested in knowing the more technical stuff associated with this illness.  From the beginning of my treatment, which is done on two consecutive Mondays with one week off, the two chemo drugs used to fight this cancer and shrink my tumor to hell and back are Docetaxel, brand name Taxotere, and Gemcitabine, brand name Gemzar.  Both drugs are injected into my veins via I.V.  and the side effects may range from decrease in red and white bloods cells, which is closely monitored with blood drawings, infections, fluid retention, hair loss, itching, extreme exhaustion, vomiting, blood clots and discolored toes and/or finger nails which some folks ultimately lose all together when they fall off – not your fingers and toes, just the nails fall off.  Duh. By the looks of my nails, I may be one of the aforementioned ‘folks’.  To curtail some of the more nastier side affects, prior to being injected with these drugs I’m given a cocktail of Lorazepam, Benadryl, a steroid and something else I can’t recall, that will have me literally sawing logs within about 20 minutes of taking the delicious cocktail of pills. Yum.  It’s nice because I usually sleep straight through the treatment, which is good because otherwise I would be obsessively focused on the toxic chemicals hanging in bags from the I.V. and drip, drip, dripping into my body. 

One rather nasty issue I had from the tumor in my pancreas was gas.  This was due from a lack of a particular enzyme in my body with the job of breaking down waste. In the beginning of my diagnosis, everything I put into my stomach quickly exited after turning my body into something disgustingly toxic.   Of course, gaseous expulsions from our body are typically viewed as natural occurrences; however for me it was more supernatural.  I couldn’t stand myself.  Seriously, our government could have used me in North Korea as a threat of bio-chemical warfare in order to get them to behave.  My digestive issues were quickly resolved with a prescription for Creon, which imitates the enzyme normally produced by our bodies. One pill is taken before and after meals.  I’m okay now.  Well, as long as I take my pills. No worries.

I think I am one of the fortunate ones, because although I’ve lost my hair and my nails are close to exiting as well, other than the first month of treatment, I have not had the metallic taste in my mouth which plagued me in the beginning, nor have I had to deal with nausea.  From time to time, I feel a bone deep exhaustion, but have learned to listen to my body and drop on the nearest bed or couch when necessary.  Also, lately my eyes spasm and run like a waterfall.  Not sure what that is all about but most likely a result of the chemo.  Honestly though, I’ve had more good days than bad.  My red and white blood cell counts are good and as of this past Monday I have been continued on the full dose of chemo meds.  Per my doctor, the tumor is stable and I'm still on track for surgery.   I cannot complain (although I still do, it’s just me being bitchy). 

I try to get to the gym at least 4 – 5 days a week, and this week I just bumped my work out from 40 minutes to 60 minutes and have been able to maintain my energy level throughout.  We’ll see how that continues as I get closer to the end of the week.  Regardless, I will continue to do what I need to do to make my body stronger.  My surgery is in July, I am half way there, and I plan on getting through this phase of my life.

My heart goes out to anyone experiencing cancer, or any serious illness and treatment. It is difficult, but we can do this. And the only thing I can think of that would be harder for me is watching someone I care about and love go through it – which is an unbearable thought. 

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
― Albert Camus

I THANK YOU!

If we believed wholeheartedly our importance to the people in our lives, how just offering a smile, which takes practically no effort at all, can make a body feel like a million bucks, we'd feel like a million bucks.  I think sometimes people don't quite get the affect they have on someone just by sharing their own brand of unique qualities that make them who they are, which can bring sunshine to a person when before only clouds were visible.

Once I was diagnosed with cancer it was like everything in my life stopped, and then restarted in slow motion with everybody else on speed dial.  I couldn't emotionally or physically keep up anymore.  But the people in my life that have always been there reached back with a hand extended, and just waited for me to grab hold.  I've been holding on as tight as I can these last few months.

Stopping by for surprise visits, sharing a smile, kindly given advice -- or bringing a little something like pearls from Vietnam, special bracelets made by two special ladies, a hand knitted shawl or blankets gifted with a lot of love, or even reindeer antlers that light up and make me smile, all expressions of, I was thinking of you and you matter.  Spending precious time that could be spent at work, on vacation, with friends, or in solitude -- all for me, and I appreciate it so much.  I can't even begin to express how much actions, big or small, lift spirits, especially when a small world is rocked. 

My son and his family came all the way from Hawaii to see me a couple of weekends ago, and I was on the moon.  They stepped off the plane into my life again, and not even the cancer could pull me down.  And I've had a lot of this coming my way since the invasion of cancer.  I have my own frickin' angel network.  My big sis made her home my home as I go through treatment and surgery, more treatment and more surgery, without me having to worry about anything but getting better.  My niece, who is forever my champion and vice versa, has always been there for me.  My friends, who have been my staple in life for keeping me sane, and grounded, and content and hilarious when I need to be, are my true friends soul deep.  My colleagues -- most of which also fit into the 'friend' category have flooded me with cards, good wishes, and gifts that twist my heart with emotion and affection, have been travelling from Seattle to Tacoma to get me to and from my chemo sessions. My clients have sent me cards with their many blessings for good health, and beautiful bouquets of flowers.  I am blessed by all of the attention! These angels have helped me to see and truly understand that sometimes it really does take a village, and I'm so happy I'm part of their village and them mine.  I am grateful! 

I have my days when my lower lip is dragging so low to the ground it could serve as a street sweeper.  Days when I don't feel like acting like everything is okay and acceptable because it would be a lie.  This is when I get bitchy, and ornery, and mean...mostly scared.  Walk away.  Hey, I know I'm in big trouble with pancreatic cancer and breast cancer on my plate, but seeing and feeling and understanding the true nature of family and friendship, and the personal sacrifices everybody in my world is making on my behalf, puts a smile on my face and makes my day just that much better.  Personally, I believe that every time I smile something healing happens on the inside.

So when you ask me how I'm doing and I respond, I'm doing great! now you know why.  All of the above!  How can I NOT feel invincible with all my peeps holding me up!


"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."
Thornton Wilder