Another Chemo Monday on Tuesday

I'm doing great!  Had my chemo drip on Tuesday since Monday was a holiday.  Dr. Picozzi said blood work was fine, which means I'm still handling the chemo dose very well, and I've been scheduled for my last Kat-scan on June 24th.  I will be meeting with my surgeon on the same day.  I only have two more infusions in June then looking at surgery mid-July.  I'm a happy camper.

Well I hope everybody out there has a fantastic day, and I'm praying along with you that summer will show up soon with bells on toes.  Ciao!

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Angie in the Valley of the Dolls

I was eleven when I had my first bout with breast cancer.  I just knew I had it after flipping through the pages of a book I’d found between the mattress of my sister’s bed.  The eleven-year-old me was always finding interesting little objects between my then seventeen-year-old sister’s mattresses.  Perhaps we’ll go into that a bit further in another post.  LOL. My breasts, which at the time were just beginning to graduate past the pimple stage, started immediately causing me pain me as I became caught up in the pages of this bootlegged novel. I had all the symptoms the character had in the book.  I even felt a lump of sorts one time, and then with the chest pains going on...  What was I to think?  Sometimes, I’d hold my hands tight against my tee-shirt with the picture of the Jackson 5 blazoned on the front, and weep in utter despair.  They ached through the character’s drama in the book from finding out she had cancer to ultimately ending her life with an overdose of pills.  I wasn’t suicidal, but I was a very melodramatic kid at the time.  I was empathizing hard with this book's character, and seeing myself as one of the broken dolls in the valley.  Pretty melodramatic.  See any of that in me today?  Just wondering.

The book in question was Valley of the Dolls and it took place in 1966-67 I believe; the character was Jennifer North, a model/actress who literally felt her body and looks were her only assets.  You see, although I've long since understood that the reference to "dolls" in the book were the pills all the characters were popping like M&M's, in my eleven-year-old mind, I saw the female characters as broken dolls because of all their issues.  Pretty deep for a kid huh?  As a side note, thank you Angelina Jolie for showing the world that body and looks and femininity are not compromised after a mastectomy, and that one’s true assets are the intelligence demonstrated in order to make the smart decision to have a mastectomy, or to take other preventive measures for certain cancers.  Times and the thinking about cancer have changed considerably since the 60's and that's a really good thing for sure.

Anyway, back to me.  So here I am at eleven thinking I have this breast disease and not wanting to cause my parents any heartbreak by revealing my terrible news.  I carried this burden alone over the next two years even to the berry picking fields where I’d worked during the summer to save money for clothes.  I’d sometimes feel a pang in the problem area when I’d bend down to scoop up strawberries and would hold a fisted hand against my chest, while picking berries with the other. I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing my breasts like Jennifer in the Valley of the Dolls.  Shoot I’d just got them.  It was like opening up Christmas presents from Santa; receiving what I’d always wanted, and now he’s asking for them back.  Not fair. As I got older and swept up in teen-age-gals drama/trauma – you know boys and all, I kind of forgot about my dilemma.  And then I was diagnosed for real.

Now here I am, a middle aged adult me dealing with the real deal, and the only thing I’m thinking of is my relief that they will soon remove the poison from my body, and if that means removing my breasts so that I can survive, then so be it.  My breasteses (my made up word), do not make up the entirety of who I am.  I must remember that always.  I just want to be healthy again so that I can continue with my life, and the business of making new moments with my family and friends. Can I get an Amen?!


Oh, to hell with them! Let 'em droop!
Jennifer North - Valley of the Dolls


"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope.  We have two options medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell.

-Lance Armstrong
 

Chemo Monday

First let me start off by chastising myself for not updating this thing more often.  I'm ridiculous, and lazy. Okay, got that out of the way.

I started off Monday with a CT Scan to get an idea of whether the chemo was doing it's thing.  And you know what...?  It's kicking butt, yes it is!  My doctor was very pleased.  My blood work is excellent and he had no complaints.   After my Chemo next Monday, I only have two more infusions in June and then I will be meeting with my surgeon, Dr. Roca, late June in preparation for the big surgery.  Oh yea! 

There are so many people I owe, literally my life, and my sanity, and my heart to because without them I would have less heart, be without courage and without enough faith to get through dark days.  These folks helped to strengthen all of these things in me by standing by and holding me up.  Seriously, I have not had one chemo infusion where I was entirely alone. From the close knit group of family and colleagues/friends whom I've worked with for so many years...you've all carried me through this ordeal and I am sooooo very grateful for the love and support.  

All I can say is THANK YOU for the cards, and the words of encouragement, the rides to and from my chemo sessions, the homemade goodies, and loving me as I was and as I am now.  My soul thanks all of you!


“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia    

Short & Sweet

Okay, so here's me keeping my update short and sweet.

My chemo drip went well this past Monday.  Side effects are at a minimum, which means I'm doing pretty darn good.  My finger nails are the only things getting on my nerves right now because they can't decide whether to just fall off and let it be.  They are super tender and starting to bleed again.  Annoying! However, as that is my only peeve right now I consider myself very fortunate.  Dr. Picozzi has scheduled me for a scan on May 20th which will give them an idea of whether the treatment is shrinking the tumor. In June, I'll have my last scan and a meeting with the surgeon to see if we can proceed.  Yippy -- hopefully close to the end of this treatment! According to the doctor, if we can't proceed consideration will have to given to some kind of radiation therapy in order to attack the tumor from a different perspective and hopefully render it completely helpless.  This option is available only if the cancer has not spread.  So...please say your prayers that we can just proceed with the surgery in July as scheduled.  I'd really like to move on to the next step.

For today, I'm off to my workout and since the sun is non existent I think I will walk at Wapato park today.  I've learned that one of the chemo drugs I'm on makes me hypersensitive to the sun so I've been avoiding the park last few days and going to the gym instead.  I'm looking forward to enjoying a walk around the lake.


Today is a great day for positivity! I like that word.


Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.  ~Author Unknown

Thursday Already?

Happy Thursday!  Well, after two days on antibiotics I'm happy to report fingers have stopped bleeding and smelling.  Yea!  I'm actually typing without band aids covering my fingers this morning.  They can breathe.  My work out yesterday was so-so, only made it around the lake twice before my energy spirit turned right when I turned left so had to call it quits.  But that's okay.  Some days are better than others.  Kudos to me for rolling out of the bed.

Today, my mood is much improved, and I'm heading off to the gym for my work out.  The day started off with a call from my good friend Deborah, and she reminded me in that not-so-subtle way of hers, how much she cares about me, and how important it is that I care about me.  So here's me getting off the pity potty.  My first goal today is one hour on the elliptical.  Goal number two is to NOT gorge on sweets.  Since being diagnosed with cancer I've fallen back on some really bad habits:  cookies, ice cream, cakes, pie, candy...yum-yum.  I need to limit my intake and then omit these empty calories all together.  Reminder to self:  Diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension!  Besides all that, cancer gorges itself on sugar and every time I consume it I am feeding that monster in my body!

Wish me luck on my work out and my goals for healthy living and eating!

Baby steps.  You've done it before, you can do it again!!


“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
― Winston Churchill

Another Chemo Monday

I just spent the past two weeks at a pity party for one, and it lasted a lot longer than it probably should have.  Emotionally, I've been all over the place, in a state of completely pissed off most of the time.  With the chancer in my body causing chaos, my mood swings have been just as chaotic.  I'm not the life of the party these days that's for sure.

With the increase in one of the chemo meds at my last appointmewnt the side effects have been painfully obvious over the past two weeks, with infections in two fingers and bleeding in the others. If I reach into my purse touching my fingers to anything can make me holler, or putting on socks, tying the shoe strings on my sneakers, every damn thing presents a challenge that causes some kind of pain and/or frustration.  Needless to say, tapping on my computer keys has become a chore with bandaged fingers.  In addition, I managed to get a low grade infection in my chest so the doctor has prescribed a little antibiotic to take care of all infections present and accounted for.  The chemo drug that affects the nails was reduced by half on Monday so hopefully things will calm down a bit.  I know I will still lose most of my nails but I can surely do without the bleeding and infections; it's just gross.  I've taken to soaking my ravaged nails in Tea Tree Oil at night, a natural antiseptic, diluted in warm water.  The Tea Tree Oil, combined with the antibiotic, should help manage the discomfort.  So that's the update on that.

Truthfully, with the exception of all the crap going on with my nails, I'm physically doing pretty good.  I made my way to Wapato Park yesterday and did 5 laps walking while keeping up a pretty good pace, with Michael Jackson screaming into my IPOD.  This morning I woke up to very sore thighs which is evidence of a good work out.  I'm getting ready to head out to Wapato for another go at it right now.  Wish me luck on keeping the energy up.  I'm hoping to make it 6 laps today.

All I can do these days is to keep trying the way I do it.  Yep, my family and close friends can attest to me being a cantankerous, and ornery butt who is not always fun to be around.  My only excuse...it's just the special way I do me (ha ha).  I do however, appreciate anyone and everyone who puts up with me.  I really do.  All in my world are pretty amazing folks. I'm blessed.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP