Tired Warrior

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be in the ring with Mohammad Ali?  I mean the young Ali of course.  The obvious would be that I’d get my butt kicked from here to Tallahassee.  Well, after experiencing the first symptoms of illness that started in December 2012 with itching, and jaundice, being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, then having a stint inserted in my pancreas, a port in my chest, being diagnosed with breast cancer less than a month later, 6 months of chemo, a couple of infections; one in my fingers and one in the chest, having major, major surgery to remove the tumor and part of my pancreas with my plumbing rerouted (receiving confirmation after surgery that the cancer had not spread – yea hope!), then numerous CT scans, about 3 biopsies, 2 Endoscopic Ultrasounds, mammograms, M.R.I.’s and Ex-rays and now...SONOFABITCH!  Now I know. I feel completely pulverized, my body beat down both physically and mentally!   Seriously, for the benefit of my two friends, who were kind enough to go to my doctor's appointment with me on Friday to get the biopsy news, I did smile when we left the doctor’s office because they looked as shell shocked as I felt, and I wanted them to feel better.  But when I lifted myself up from the chair it took every single thing in me man, because I felt so heavy.  I literally had to heave myself up as if from the floor after a T.K.O.  Sorry Ali, but you are the only boxer figure I could easily recall. This was my state of being after learning Friday the cancer had spread to my liver.  I am now a Stage 4 pancreatic cancer patient.

Okay, so now with that out of the way, here’s what’s going to happen.  This Thursday I start some aggressive chemo to get rid of the spots in my liver AND hopefully to prevent the recurrence of cancer in my pancreas – bye-bye my cute kinda sorta Hallie Berry do.  Bye-bye finger nails and toe nails – here we go again.  I detest chemo, but I know that’s not news to anyone who’s had to go through it.  I’ve only met one person who actually said it was a time where she'd never felt better.  Oh-kay!  But this friend of mine is very unique and one of a kind, and I mean that in the sweetest of ways.  What I need to do is decide – and I’m not allowing a whole heck of a lot of time to go about it – how I'm going to handle this new development. I've been known to walk around with a scowl and my bottom lip sweeping the floor, but honestly, that's not a good look for me.  I can't control a lot about what's happening to my body, other than exercising and nutrition, of the food variety and the spiritual, but how I live my life and how I respond to everything that happens to me from this point on is within my control! 

Now this Saturday I could have locked myself in my room and hid under my covers like I do when I’m moping, or thrown myself dramatically to the floor with my legs and arms flailing while screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs, in a grown-up full blown hissy fit, but I did neither.  Well, not where there were any witnesses anyway.  I actually – yes I did -- attended a masquerade ball for breast cancer.  My sister, who belongs to the Styles of Steppin’ dance organization, signed up for the decorations and to donate some gourmet baskets to the highest bidder.  I promised I would attend and out of fear of my big sister kicking my ass for reneging, I put on some war paint, dressed up all fancy and threw on a pretty mask.  Immediately I felt like something exotic and mysterious.  Yes.  Not the Angie dealing with cancer, but Angelique, the woman in the red mask.  It was so much fun! 

 The mysterious Angelique

Listen, one of my most favorite movies of all times is The Shawshank Redemption.  There was a really poignant scene between Red and Andy Dufresne, the guy who was framed for killing his wife and her lover.  Andy said, “Get busy living or get busy dying.....there ain't nothing in-between.”  That resonated with me then, and even more so now.  You see, there really shouldn't be anything in-between unless I'm just existing -- like one of the undead, and that's not good living to me.  "Get busy living or get busy dying."  There it is.    

Hey, even this warrior gets tired though, and irritable, and bitchy -- and I do and will, a lot, 'cause living with cancer kicks my ass on some days, but then I have to get back to it -- 'cause when I get my call, and go sliding into home base with all the skid marks on my body from this surgery or that one, like badges of honor from living life in lieu of just walking through it, the heavens will know that I had a damn good time on life's play field.  But before my story gets to the finale, I gotta get up and kick some more cancer butt.  That's how we do it!

 

My niece, me and my big sis 

 

To all warriors everywhere, keep living strong my friends!