Hey It's Me

I could tell you I’ve been a brave soldier in this fight against cancer in the weeks since my last post, but that would be colossal lie.  Over the last few weeks, I’ve spent days in bed more or less, with the blanket pulled to my chin whimpering like a child.  Yep, no lying about the truth.  This treatment currently in charge of my life – at least that’s what it feels like right now in this moment – has been kicking my ass!  I don’t know a nicer way to put it.  It’s got an iron fisted grip on me.  I was cocky before, thinking I had some control, but things change, and treatment ultimately wears a body and a mind down, and for me, both mentally and physically, I’m black hawk down right now.  I don’t feel in control of shit! 

PREVIEW OF LAST FEW WEEKS.  I got a free pass on January 6^th and was excused from chemo because of low white blood count.  I was out of the chair in the elevator before the good doctor could even stop talking.  Slight exaggeration, but not by much.  Monday, January 20^th  found me back in the chair for chemo with blood counts exactly as they should be.  Yea.  Usually by the second week following chemo side affects are at a low roar and I’m happily consuming as many calories as I can.  Not so much this time, I’d eat every two to three hours to fight off nausea but then started having some serious issues with digestion as I couldn’t seem to keep the previous meal from sticking around in my stomach.  My energy, practically a fleeting memory on some days, was nonexistent on others and just swinging my legs over the side of the bed took effort. But while having my treatment, the nurse reminded me of something.  Apparently, cancer patients are at an increased risk of blood clots.  I know they must have told me that at some point but it got lost with all the other information I'd gathered over the last year.  So it dawned on me that lying around in bed probably wasn’t on the top 10 list of good things I should be doing to myself.  I needed a new strategy plan.

   

HERE AND NOW.  Okay so this past Saturday I literally pulled myself up by my own shirt tails, which wasn’t an easy accomplishment, showered, dressed – even added a bit of color to my lips and put on my fanciest bling then decided to treat myself to a nice lunch at my favorite restaurant, Anthony’s on the waterfront. Seriously, getting out of the car and walking the few feet to the front door of the restaurant literally seemed as challenging to me as running a marathon.  I was so tired and really had to fight the urge to get back in my car, head home and seek the solitude and comfort of my bed.  I opened the door and put on my ‘how ya doing’ look to greet the young woman on the other side of the door with the menu in hand and the big Punky Brewster smile on her face. I was seated fairly quickly which was a good thing because I didn't need any excuses to change my mind. Usually, I’m a speedy eater, but I have to say I ignored the pleas of my exhausted body, and took my time to consume the meal and afterwards some hot tea, and ended up sitting at my table for one for over an hour, enjoying the meal, the beautiful view and the moment.  Since Saturday, I’ve made it a point to get up and out of the house for lunch, or walking around the Tacoma Mall, or just running some errands – and I can always think of something I need to be doing which is a helluva lot more functional than lying in bed feeling blue.

No if, ands or buts about it – this journey is never going to lead back to normality, and on some days I am not going to be a good sport about that.  BUT I do have an all inclusive vacation to Mexico to look forward to in March and my youngest son is graduating with a degree in forensic science in May so I'll be flying off to Hawaii for the graduation.  My doctor has agreed to work chemo around these two monumental events.  Mexico and Hawaii are my two really big motivating carrots.  

Folks, I’m just a super hero wannabe trying really hard every day to deal, and some days are more challenging than others.  All I can say is my moods reflect all the chaos, and can be just as mercurial as I’m finding the cancer to be.  Cancer has impacted me, no question about it, but what really hurts my heart is how difficult and painful this must all be for my family and friends; and the only thing I can do about that is to keep pushing back.  Lord help me.

One day I was lamenting to a friend about the enormity of this disease, and how difficult it is on some days, and she gently reminded me of something by quoting moi, I'm 'a woman just trying to deal with a little bit of cancer.' There you go.   All I can do it try.

Back to the chair for chemo on Monday.  Wish me luck!

 “Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.”
― Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday