Terminal. Not Dead.

Can we talk about the elephant in the room?  Terminal illness.  Wrapping my mind around a “terminal” diagnosis messes with my head, and is a ridiculous waste of my time, which of course is always the case when trying to make sense out of the nonsensical.  Like salt on an opened wound, I actually had the unmitigated gall to look the word up in the dictionary:  “terminal illness, an advanced stage of a disease with an unfavorable prognosis and no known cure.” Damn. 

I’ve done the unforgivable, I’ve given the word power and allowed it access inside my head where it could metastasize like the cancer.  That won’t do.  I mentioned in a previous post about my favorite saying from the movie Shawshank Redemption, “Get busy living, or get busy dying” well, I thought I’d made my peace on that issue but obviously not.  I have to be honest with myself first and foremost, since the day I was told the cancer had spread to my liver I frickin’ stuck my head in the sand.  My situation seemed hopeless. I pretty much felt as if the business of living and dying was being taken out of my hands. No seriously. I stopped working out at the gym.  I stopped walking regularly at my favorite park.  I pulled further into myself.  Crap. At some point over the last few weeks I turned left when I should have turned right and ended up at the in-between place.  On Pause.  I’ve been subconsciously…consciously…whatever… preparing for the grand exodus. And that just will not do for me.  I will not live my life in limbo.  I don’t know what tomorrow or the next week will bring, nobody does, and that’s why spending my today's in motion is so critically important. 

Terminal does not have to mean today. Today I’m good.  I am feeling the coolness from the weather on my skin today.  Today my butt will be in the gym, pumping my legs on the elliptical, wiping sweat from my forehead like the other club members, listening to my IPOD while mouthing the words to Destiny Child's Bootylicious.  Today I’m thinking about my plans in the near future for Mexico and Hawaii.  I’m breathing today.  I’m not in pain today. I’m not exhausted yet. The really good news is, although I woke up with a bloody nose this morning – compliments of chemo – the other ugly side affects are pretty much nonexistent.  And, the side affect caused by one of the chemo drugs that keeps me from consuming anything cold…yeah, gone…so guess where I’m going today?  Yep – heading to Baskin-Robbins for the biggest banana split I can get from their 31 flavors -- yum!  After my work out of course. One thing I will not be doing today?  Watching guys in tight pants chase other guys down a field because one of the guys has an oblong ball that he doesn't want to share with the other fellas.  No sports for me today...Nada!  

The statistics for pancreatic cancer are nothing to write home to momma about.  The statistics on mortality rate for pancreatic cancer that has metastasized is pretty F*#ked up.  The statistics for pancreatic cancer with metastasis and breast cancer on the side should be sealed in an envelope and never opened. My point, I know the deal and it’s pretty lousy but how I choose to move forward is on me.  My doctor can’t tell me how to live the rest of my life.  My family can’t show me how to do it.  My friends can’t advise me on this.  In this, it's all me.  Hell, most people are trying to find their own way to navigate through life’s playground.  But what I do know is I cannot allow the grim statistics or tags attached to my illness determine how I spend the precious moments I have to live.  If I have anything still in my control, it’s that.  I’m terminal, not dead.

Whew! So now we’ve dealt with the big fat elephant in the room, and reiterated the fact that cancer is not our friend.  But do you know what really pisses me off? The fact that there are children and young adults having to deal with this shit!  It’s just wrong on so many levels. So here’s me pulling my head out of my butt and focusing on something other than myself.  In support of my friend Karen, who is a volunteer for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's (LLS) Team In Training, I ask that you please check out her website and donate if you can. It is a very worthy cause with the goal of  finding a cure for blood cancers. http://pages.teamintraining.org/wa/nikewhlf14/khammersmi.    

Like Churchill said, never give in!

Sir Winston Churchill

Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.