Back To Life, Back To Reality

Hawaii is a paradise and I can’t think of anywhere I’d like to be feeling out of sorts than there.  But my most recent trip to Oahu for my son’s graduation challenged my body in ways I had not expected.  In my previous post I highlighted the good moments only, because, there are times when good moments need to have their own platform.  I think I did that well.  This post however, will be about the F’d up stuff nobody likes to experience let alone talk about.

The first two days of my trip were spent at my son’s house.  I got there on the May 8^th and didn’t check into my hotel until the 10^th.  Feeling slightly under the weather when I arrived I slept quite a bit the first two days, which was confusing for my granddaughter.  She asked my son, “Why is Noni always sleeping?” That made me sad.  My last visit we walked to her school in the morning, and then I picked her up in the afternoon.  We walked to the store on occasion, we went shopping together, we spent time at the beach – we had a ball.  Of course all of those activities were pre-cancer diagnosis.  This visit, after only two days, and my body felt limp with zero energy for doing simple things like moving from the bed to the toilet.  Two days in and I was already yearning for the privacy of my hotel room, and praying for just enough energy to wrap myself mind, body and spirit in self pity.  Yeah, I was feeling all kinds of woe is me.  I’m not even gonna lie.  It didn’t help either that her other grandparents were visiting as well and brought with them all kinds of energy to boot.  Oh yippy Skippy.  They went snorkeling with my Diamond, and hiking and shopping, and blah, blah, blah – look at us we’re super grannies!  Okay I know.  I should be ashamed of myself for such childish thoughts but I’m not.  I had moments of serious grand envy for my son’s in-laws – but hey! -- my emotions were exhausted too and in a serious tizzy.  I will not apologize!

I think I can honestly say my body was never quite the same after being stuck in the hospital in April for dehydration and an infection, which my doctors were never really able to locate the source.  So it’s quite possible – more than possible – that the reason why I was feeling poorly when I boarded Hawaiian Airlines on that beautiful May morning, is that the unknown infection was still declaring war on my body.  Ugh. 

 

My son was insistent about scheduling events for us and now in hindsight, I’m glad he did.  Otherwise my reason for getting out of bed would have been limited to my son and granddaughter -- and that would have been enough mind you, but I was glad he had the other distractions as well.  I have to say though, participation in even the best events took every single bit of energy I had – I smiled, I chatted, I laughed at the funny things and on one occasion I heaved my dilapidated body up from my chair (to watching eyes I hoped my going from sitting to standing was an effortless transition) and participated in a couple of line dances i.e. The Wobble, Down South Shuffle and some others that I can't recall the name.  I believe these moments were immortalized in my son’s camera.  At every opportunity the next day found me buried under a bunch of covers completely depleted of everything. When did participating in life become such a chore?  Seriously, I detested being so weak but felt as helpless as a kitten.  I’d crawl – slowly – from under the covers to eat and pee and then prepare myself emotionally and physically for the next event.  I was in Hawaii for Pete's sake, freakin' paradise.  This could not be happening!  I did not want to be remembered as mom with cancer.

Pain is a new symptom these days; right below my right breast, over my liver.  This area was kind of sore before I left for Hawaii and I complained to my doctor but he said it wasn’t the cancer because it only caused me pain when I moved a certain way or breathed deeply.  He explained that cancer would hurt all the time not just when I breathed, exhaled or moved a certain way.  Hmmm… that didn’t make much sense to me since I have tumors in my liver, which leaves the door open for possible, probable and eventual pain.  So a day after I returned to T-town I had to report for duty in oncology and at that time I told my doctor the pain had worsened.  It was like someone had taken a knife, that had been seared by white hot flames, and stabbed it into my body.  An exaggeration?  I wish.  My doctor commented, “Well it looks like the cancer didn’t like the month off from chemo.”  But I thought the pain wasn’t due to the cancer.  Another hmmm…    I also started experiencing discomfort in my middle and lower back, not pain per se but it’s like have a rotting tooth in my back with a constant, gnawing ache.  I don’t know how best to describe it than that.  My doctor gave me a prescription for oxyCODONE.  Yeah.  That should fix me up nice.

My equilibrium has become an issue.  While in Hawaii I fell going up the stairs twice.  Now there wasn’t anything for me to trip on so I couldn’t use that as a alibi and I was walking so slowly at one point I thought I saw a snail pass me by.  And yet, I lost my balanced and fell, on two different occasions.  What the what?

My appetite has changed, meaning before Hawaii I was eating anything edible and now I make it a point to remember at regular intervals to eat something.  I’m losing weight folks. Since returning from Hawaii I’ve already dropped 7 pounds without trying.  Now as you can see from the pictures in my previous post I’m a hardy gal and 7 pounds isn’t going to emaciate me.  But the fact I’m losing it without trying gives me some angst.  And you know what? With all this brouhaha – and I’m not trying to be a negative Nellie – sounds to me like cancer is raising its ugly head. 

I had it really good this last year and a half since being diagnosed.  I'm grateful.  These new symptoms have me acting like a genuine sissy.  I don't do pain well.  I returned from Hawaii May 20th, last Tuesday, and while still feeling like shit, had chemo on Thursday.  I'm still recovering from whatever and my bed and I have become best friends the last week and 1/2.  My goal these days is simple -- just trying to see how long I can stay up in a day before seeking comfort beneath my blankets.

What I've tried really hard to do throughout this journey of mine is stay one step ahead of the cancer.  No lie, it's becoming quite a challenge.  I had an appointment with a Natural Path this past Monday.  My first impression was good.  She assured me she'd had a patient with pancreatic cancer and that by following the holistic ways he was able to live a good year 1/2 past his doctor's guesstimate of life expectancy.  My oncologist specializes in pancreatic cancer and I'm hoping my new Natural Path can do the holistic thing with focus on everything else.  It was a good appointment and I walked out of her office feeling hopeful with a handful of supplements for inflammation, pain, and good liver health.  I will keep you updated on this new venture. 

Just so you know, my Diamond and I were able to have some quality time together on what I named Diamond Day -- a 24 hour period.  This was a day where she could have a shopping spree (within reason) at Toys R Us, lose herself and what's left of my mind at Chucky Cheese (an absolute nightmare for an adult but I endured) and then stay up as long as she wanted watching the movies she loved on Netflix.  My son and daughter-in-law and all in-laws stayed at the hotel for a night while Diamond and I took over the house.  It was, I must say, a successful day!  Below is my Diamond giving her new purchases a bath.  By the way, my girl just made the honor role!  Go Diamond!!

So there you have it.  Ciao.

Life has a way of kicking us when we’re down. And just when we think we can’t fall any lower, we get kicked again.  But it’s important to remember that setbacks, failures, and tragedy are a part of life. Whether we manage to find joy and success in the daily struggle of life is largely dependent on our ability to persevere through even the toughest adversity without ever giving up.
By Keep Inspiring Me