Fate

When I was seventeen I took a class in high school called Death, Dying & Bereavement. What 17-year old do you know purposely takes a class like that? Yeah I know...a bit odd -- seriously morose, but I also recognized a weakness in myself that I wanted to fix if I could.  I had major issues with the reality of dying, not me per se, but the very special people in my world. I understood the fact life and death were partners in this dance, but I literally could not imagine living my life without my people.  I thought taking the class would help.  It didn't. So I just put the thought of anybody I knew dying out of my head. But life moves forward, and death with it, regardless to whether I choose to acknowledge it or not. Bastard.  When my mom was dying it literally brought my world to a stand still.  When she closed her eyes that last time, I think I actually felt a break in my heart, that continues to ache to this day. I remember leaving the hospital and thinking how grey everything looked, even the air seemed to still.  Now Kenny's gone and Dad, and life has not resumed any acceptable resemblance of normalcy.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just moving through time in a fog always adapting to this new version of normalcy but not quite getting it. Nothing we do is a coincidence though, and everything is connected.  Once I actually started to accept that with understanding -- my soul received some peace in knowing with absolute faith, that I will see them again. Without that, I am nothing.  Me taking that strange class in high school, while everybody else was taking rock climbing or salsa dancing, was supposed to happen, and I know that now.  At seventeen, I knew more than I had a right to without understanding the whys of it all.

I've dieted for years with no results.  In May 2012, I took it on again, and I stayed true to my objective and to myself. I was obsessed -- in a good way, finally, about losing weight and along the way I remember questioning myself and wondering, why now?  Now, reflecting back, it wasn't just my neighbor's devil kids that motivated me to take action with their 'fat ole lady comment'. I was already making some positive changes before that little incident.  I believe a much higher power (and I personally call that power God), was preparing me for what was coming.  Losing the added stress of the weight on my body is a definite plus.  I'm more active, and my heart doesn't have to work so hard to keep pumping, which will improve the success rate of the upcoming  surgery.  Besides, I look damn good for a sick lady.  I'm hot!  I don't even allow myself to ask why me.  That's stupid and ignorant.  There are children carrying the enormous burden of cancer when they should not have to.  Why not me? is the question that should be surfacing. My mom and dad endured with so much grace and courage.  My brother, my very wonderful and courageous Kenny, never complained, and even after his cancer diagnosis, when he could, you would find him in the gym. No lie. These are my people. Very strong, proud and determined people.  And I'm proud to be a part of them.  Cancer took me by surprise, and I know this journey will be difficult sometimes, but I will deal with determination, and courage same as mom, dad and Kenny did. I'll give it that good ole girlscout effort anyways for sure.  Oh and for those of you around me, just a warning, I'll be pissed off sometimes just because I've always been ornery...but hey...I gotta do me!

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” Elisabeth Kubler Ross.