In the Dark

So here I am spending the last two hours with my eyes clued to the ceiling trying to discern some unique kind of design embedded there.  I got nothing.  Can't go back to sleep.  I could count sheep but seriously? --  has that ever really helped anybody?  In the wee hours of the morning, when sleep is unattainable, a dilemma experienced by most, when the weight of the world is centered right there in the center of your chest like an elephant just decided to rest there, and no amount of tossing and turning will shake it, this is my moment right now.  What if the surgery doesn't work?  What if they go into the surgery and find the tumor is still laying against my major arteries?  Will they be able to proceed?  If they do what does it mean if they can't get it all? What if I get an infection before the surgery, after the surgery?  What if the breast cancer spreads while the focus is put on the pancreatic tumor?  Am I going to lose my job?  How will I take care of myself?

Is this my time? 

Am I going to die?

I am so scared.

Thanks for listening.

“If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.”
― Yann Martel, Life of Pi