Ah Dang Back in the Chair

Did I ever mention I wanted to go into inspirational speaking?  I am an account executive for an International Insurance Broker in Seattle and when I started with my company in March 1990 I joined Toastmasters to further this goal of mine, stayed with the group for 9 years but for some reason I got a little detoured.  I accredit this to an overabundance and almost obsessive compulsion to work till I dropped – you know it’s all about that damn corporate ladder.  Well, it looks like that’s a goal I accomplished – working till I dropped that is. I made it up that ridiculous ladder as far as I wanted to go and didn't do so bad if I say so myself.  For what it's worth, I at least have that notch on my belt.  Well last Tuesday I just happened to mention my goals to my sister.  She's always very supportive of anything I want to do.  I have two of them, to re-approach my aspirations to become an inspirational speaker and the other to start a non profit organization called The Beck House, in honor of my mom, dad and brother, and for families of patients undergoing aggressive short term treatment, who do not live close to Virginia Mason Hospital, and require temporary housing. With all there is to deal with as a cancer patient pulling cash out of your pocket for one more thing -- is just not something one should have to deal with for Pete's sake.  In my vision, The Beck House would be a cozy, comforting and affordable home away from home.  Below is the plaque we had hanging over our home, in Japan, where my dad was stationed for 3 years and it was hung from the shingles again at the home I grew up in. I hope one day it will hang outside The Beck House.

Well, I had a short BIG talk with my doctor on Friday.  We chatted about how my first week on chemo treatment went, and I think I gave him some stank eye along with a long laundry list of shitty stuff: low tolerance to anything cold – felt like I had ice cycles in my veins instead of blood if I touched anything cold or went out in the cold, cramping in my jaw if I ate or drank anything cold, chemo meds blocked my enzyme pills so severe gas when digesting anything solid, which I add may have caused loss of family and friends when they just knock and enter my bedroom before I can respond -- walked right into a cloud they did, acid reflux, low-no energy, vomiting, constipation when they promised me diarrhea, and just ridiculous orneriness on my part from all of the aforementioned.  The good thing I told him was that it got better just as I was supposed to come back.  And I made each day count this past week and ate whatever I wanted to gain back the weight I lost the first week.  He liked to hear that weight gaining stuff.  He countered my complaints with ways to do things a little differently and hopefully make things better.  I have six more treatments to go this round. We'll see how it goes.  He then examined me and after he completed the examination I sat up and said, “Dr. Picozzi, I have some BIG questions to discuss with you.”  He stepped back, gave me his full attention and said let’s do it. No doubt this moment of ours was not a surprise to him.  He'd been expecting me.  

First question I asked him, “What is the objective right now?  My cancer has metastasized."  He nodded. "Are you just trying to keep it maintained?"

Dr. Picozzi: “We are at the point of quality and quantity."  Okay, okay, kinda sorta knew that when the palliative care people stopped in to talk to me a couple of weeks ago. Yes.  Just weird hearing it out loud.  He added,  “You’re in the driver seat now to advise us what you want us to do, and what is important to you.”

Me:  “I want quality of life over quantity.  To be honest I’d like both no doubt, if possible.  But when chemo starts to affect my quality of life on an ongoing basis then I will stop doing it. I have things I want to accomplish.”  I was just getting ready to add that I might change my mind as I go along but he interjected with that same thought as I was just getting ready to speak the words.  I meant to ask him about the breast cancer -- you know?  Were they going to do anything about it?  I forgot to ask.  A little, tiny bit of panic started creeping in.

Me:  "Dr. Picozzi, I was thinking seriously about becoming an inspirational speaker for cancer organizations in the area as a long term goal."

Dr. Picozzi:  “Don’t wait for the long term.  Do it now.”  Do I have a long-term option for life?  I didn’t ask that question either.  I was already on overload.  Didn’t take much did it?  He suggested I read a book called, "The Lecture" as it may offer some insight.  I seem to remember coming across something with this title on the Internet once but not sure. 

As Dr. Picozzi left my little room, my friend Kris stepped in passing the good doctor on the way out.  I heard her call his name right before she stepped in.  I said, “Hi Kris, I just had a good talk with Dr. Picozzi.”

Kris said, “I figured that Angie.  He seemed a bit upset.  When he turned to say hello he had tears in his eyes.” Oh Geez.

There are many things I am grateful for on this journey of mine, but what stands out first and foremost today is that I have Dr. Picozzi as my oncologist.  From the get-go he has always treated me as an individual and I’ve always felt he took the care of all his patients very seriously.  I have never had a doctor that treated like he does and I'm so glad I found him at a time in my life where I needed a skilled doctor with compassion, understanding and empathy the most.

So here's the irony.  Last Tuesday when I spoke to my sister about becoming an inspirational speaker, the very next day I took the bus ride to Seattle.  I got there of course, with plenty of time to indulge myself at Dilettante Mocha Café, and to stop by my office.  One of my colleagues came by my desk to tell me how inspired she was by my blog. Such a compliment, really lifted me up.  She then showed me an email she'd been getting ready to send me but since I showed up in the office she thought to just hand to it to me.  She apparently has been admirably involved with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and asked if I could write her a letter that she could read to her group.  I was honored. She also told me that sometimes they have speakers come in who are either undergoing treatment or have been through it.  I told her I would love to write something for her  upcoming Saturday meeting, which I did, and that I would be interested in speaking as well.  She was happy to hear that and put me on the calendar for January.  How's that for following my Divine path. 

                                              Fractal Enlightenment

Dr. Picozzi said I was in the driver's seat.  It's not me.  I'm just a passenger with God at the wheel and I'm going to do whatever and go wherever He guides me.  And I'm also going to learn how to kick up my heels a bit and just dance through the rain.


“If you are going through hell, keep going.”
― Winston Churchill