One Minute, One Moment, One Day at a Time

How am I supposed to survive a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer with metastasis to the liver, and breast cancer, which was diagnosed a year ago, that my doctor cannot even treat at this point?

This was the mammoth question I dared to release to the universe yesterday.  Unfortunately, during a moment of weakness, I not only released it to the universe but also sent it out in an email to my friend, Kris.  Yep, I hit send and then instant regrets.  And shame on me for putting the weight of such a huge question on this dear lady.  I did get an answer.

Yesterday went to shit real fast.  Earlier in the morning I had difficulty even moving my head from the pillow.  I was dragging, like rolling-to-the-edge-of- the-bed to get up, and having to hold on to the wall for support en-route to the bathroom kind of dragging.  My body was a tire with a teeny tiny leak in it and my spirit actually felt like it was slipping away.  There were moments when my heart was beating so furious in my chest, a bit erratic, and I wondered if this could be my day to die; if my heart, too exhausted to keep beating, would eventually just stop. That’s how bad I felt.   Not to mention, the chemo meds were messing with my digestive system and every single thing I put in my body turned into a missile of mass destruction.  As with most pancreatic patients, my body is no longer efficient at producing enzymes for breaking down food and I have to take a pill or two or three to help with this malaise.  Lately the pills aren’t doing it and especially yesterday, my room smelled like a toxic waste dump, which didn’t do a whole lot for my teetering stomach.   This was the play field for all of my emotions yesterday running amuck.  My phone rang, I picked it up, and it was my guy friend in Eastern Washington. I said in a small voice, "Hello?"  I think he said, "Hey, how're you?" And that was all the prompting I needed.  I started balling like a newborn – complete with hiccups, incomplete sentences I couldn’t get out and a whole lot of babbling.  This was also around the same time I sent my email to Kris with the big question. You feel me?

Glammed myself up a bit today

 

I believe in positivity.  It’s necessary and critical in getting that one foot to move in front of the other – forward motions that keep life in order.  But sometimes bad is bad and it's okay to acknowledge that fact.   Hey I like tip toeing through the tulips as much as anyone but come on at some point I've got to pull my ass out of the flowers and get real.  But my question, as my friend gently pointed out to me later in a voice message, is not just a question it is the question, about my mortality and all that.  Is this disease going to be my dramatic ending?  What will get me first, the cancers, or will I waste away to small bits from the treatments?  These are questions that I will pose to my doctor as soon as the fear of his response releases its tenacious hold on my gut. My doctor has clarified that he is not God, and I’m glad about that because sometimes I think doctors may be under the impression they come close to the Divine.  My Dr. Picozzi is definitely not one of the those. But this man doesn’t have to be God to have a good understanding of my position in this maze.  I guess this inquiring mind just needs to know more. I have some life that needs to be lived and some serious planning to do. I’m just questioning my care and my prognosis, not throwing in the towel, and personally I do not believe that being realistic about the possibilities is the same thing as negativity.  I need answers so I can plan my life, not just live to die.  And lastly, the day may come when I make the decision to let go and let God, in lieu of further treatment, but just for the record, letting go and giving up, are not synonymous.

By the way, after I released my big question to the universe, this is what popped into my head, which is in line with my friend’s advice as well.   

One Day at a Time. 

Yeah okay.  I got it. 


P.S. Guess what I had a taste for today?  Yeah...it's naughty but oh so worth it!

                                           German Chocolate Cake!  Love you Kenny!

“Before you reach your destination, you'll find yourself going through the wilderness. There's some survival skills that you'll need master through the wilderness journey. While in the wilderness, your faith will be tried and tested. You'll become humble. Your vision for your life will get clearer. You're in training for your purpose. You'll lose some friends, because there's some folks who are only with you because of where they think your journey will lead THEM. Don't worry, they're a little confused... but it was meant for them to get lost during this phase. Walk on. Continue on your journey. Soon, you'll be approaching the mountain. Get ready to climb!”
― Yvonne Pierre, The Day My Soul Cried: A Memoir