REDO TUESDAY PLEASE

I'm mad as hell, and need a redo for today because this day really sucked. I had to meet with the radiology nurse to get mapped for my radiation.  Unfortunately, many of you out there know what I mean by mapping.  They added tiny permanent tattoos to my stomach that already looks like a road map to nowhere with all the scars I've collected to date.  This is part of the process they use to make sure the radiation hits targeted areas.  But as the nurse was taking me through, again, all the bad things that can happen during my next round of therapy, my mood sunk like the Titanic.  By the time I left Virginia Mason I was mad at the world.  Some warrior huh?  Mad I have to go through this, cancer sucks!  Mad that I have to impose on my friends and family by staying in their homes.  During the Virginia Mason Protocol I'll be split between a couple of friends that get two weeks of me, and possibly my younger sister for a couple of days.  Please don't get me wrong, I am very lucky that they care enough to help because it definitely won't be a play date for them.  I will be sick as a dog and weak as a kitten as the therapy takes its toll over the 5 1/2 weeks.  I'm mad about that and the fact I'm in a position of such vulnerability that I even need the help. I'm mad there are people going through this stuff and worse, that their world has been turned upside down and inside out.  I'm mad that young adults are afflicted with this insidious disease in the midst of planning their lives, and worse, beautiful children who shouldn't even know what cancer is are having to go through something that is difficult beyond words for grown folks.  I'm furious! As I was walking down the hill from the hospital toward downtown all this stuff was fierce on my mind.  And here's another thing, I feel guilty to be putting my family through this hell.  I've heard of survivor's guilt but I can't help but wonder if it's normal for someone who's sick to feel the amount of guilt that I do. 

Like many families, mine has had their share of loss by cancer, my dear mom in 2003, my brother in 2007, my dad in 2011, and one of my older sisters suffered a stroke just a couple of months ago.  My family has been emotionally ambushed by life with their hearts pulled from their chests and literally stomped on.  Life does what it does sometimes, and you don't always get the time you need to heal those open wounds before finding yourself in a position of having to take care of, or saying goodbye to, a loved one all over again.  It just is what it is.  But this can deplete emotionally, and sadly, leave a soul completely empty with nothing left to give.   And now, here I am needing them.  W.T.F.




“But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.”
― J.R. Ward, Crave